Beware of Children's Television

As most of you know, I have a definite aversion to certain children’s shows on television. My own little evil dirt urchins have a highly limited number of minutes that they are allowed exposure to the square-headed babysitter every day, so I feel like it is my duty to search and expose all the shit that is out there.

Before I get to the list of pure evil crap, let me start with the good.  Actually, let me start  with the great.

Phineas and Ferb – How do I describe this? Probably the best show on television for kids and adults. It is animated and just too fun and intelligent to describe here. I think without Perry the Platypus this might just be an average show, but with him, it stands heads and shoulders above all the crap out there for kids. I watch this show with my kids. I like it that much.


 Now for the freakish and the bad. Shows that I would gladly suffer water boarding to avoid.

 Handy Manny – I think everyone already knows how I feel about this racist show. I have already stated the fact that I have no issue with a highly talented Hispanic Handy Man, but the fact that the only Anglos on the show are a)Moronic shop owner who is humiliated by Handy Manny in every episode and b)Slut who runs the hardware store and sells Manny fare more than “hardware” if you get my meaning. This show is wrong on so many levels.

Secret Agent Oso – This show is so new and mind numbing that Wikipedia does not even have a page to describe it yet. It is evil. A secret agent Panda who does everything in “three simple steps” makes me want to kill pandas. I mean it. Secret Agent Oso is more like “Secret Agent Makes Me Want to Slaughter Cute Pandas.”  Avoid at all costs. Trust me.

Sid the Science Kid – This is the only non-Disney show in the bunch. It is on PBS and created by Jim Hensen’s people. The only problem is that Sid creeps me out. Way out. Just a few seconds of seeing Sid and you will probably never sleep again at night.  I have nightmares of Sid coming to my house and luring my kids away like some evil animated Pied Piper.

And there you have it. The best kids' show on television and three evil pretenders. I am also very grateful that my children like Bugs Bunny, Tom and Jerry, and even Scoobie Doo. The classics cannot be beat. Do not say that I have not warned you.