A Man Needs A Suit

I don't have many rules or beliefs that are constant, but for me, suits are. I firmly believe that every man should own a suit. Don't get me wrong here, I am not advocating the constant wearing of suits, just the possesion.

At the very least, a man can be buried in a suit. Even if you want a drunken flaming viking funeral like I do, you can still be burned at sea in a nice suit. There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking dapper as you go out in flaming glory.

What brought all of this up? I guess it has to be suit shopping. This last weekend I needed a suit for my daughter's baptism. Despite my personal belief in "every man needs a suit" I hadn't owned one since 1994. It is a long story involving a flood of biblical proportions and arrogant dry cleaners, so I will skip it.

But back to the suit story. My mother being the purveyor of all things that she deems are decent, demanded that I wear a suit to the baptism. I firmly informed her that the great flood of '94 had put end to my suit owning days. She responded in typical motherly fashion, "I will buy you a damned suit, meet me on Saturday."

I felt guilty about this, but she did volunteer and I needed the suit, so off to the mall I went.
As I shopped with my mother, I soon realized some things about me and my beliefs.

1) A man should always own a suit (I really do believe this)
2) I have owned 2 (now 3) suits since I turned 18.
3) All of them have been purchased at Foley's Department store
4) All of them have been purchased by my mother.
5) It really is difficult as an adult to shop with my mother

I hate to be an emotional sap, but part of this is sad to me. First off, Foley's has been sold and is changing its name soon. So no more suits from Foley's, no more Foley's. Even scarier for me is that my mother is not a young woman anymore. I do fully expect 30 more years out of her (going by her own mother's longevity), but this is probably the last suit that we will shop for together. It seems sad.

I do look damn good in a suit and they were on sale on Saturday.

It was a hell of a way to say goodbye to Foley's.

Bored? Not with the Internet to Play With

Okay, here is some more of that bored net surfing that I get from friends.
I am putting the best (in my opinion) at the top.
Please enjoy

J. Edgar Hoover’s Letter to Lucy

Almost Naked Animals

Comics with Problems

Cuban Televisions

Astronomy Picture of the Day

Demonic Kids

Hair Helmet

Raggedy Ann Trouble

Never tell your 6 month old daughter that she shouldn't associate with Raggedy Ann because Raggedy Ann is a drunken slut, especially where your wife can hear you.

Raggedy Ann is trouble.

What is in your wallet?

I must have been bored today. I did a complete wallet inventory. Notice the lack of cash.

Here is EVERYTHING that is in my wallet:

Driver's License
Picture of my wife and I
Picture of my daughter

Debit card
Official "card carrying Methodist" card
"Secret Code" card for using the work phones
CPR certification card
Blockbuster Card
Walmart Tax Exempt ID Card
Double Dave's Pizza Buffet Punch Card
Wife's Insurance Card
Philly Cheesesteaker Punch Card (all punched)
OfficeMax Discount card

Recipt from Montgomery County Clerk's Office

You get a warning, I go to Jail: Or All's Fair for Evil Bastard Politicians

The title says it all today, but I probably need to explain why.

Despite the obvious humor in the fact that the Vice President blasted one of his hunting buddies over the weekend, this is not the real source of my anger. I know that these kinds of things happen when folks bird hunt. It is simply the nature of the game.

What burns me to no end is the fact that good ole Dick didn't have the correct stamp on his hunting license. In the real world, for people like me, that means a hefty fine, your birds nabbed by the game warden, and a serious lesson is learned. Ask any hunter what happens if the game warden catches you without the proper permits.

I know folks who have been ticketed and fined for improperly applying tags to their deer. No good old boy handslap for them, they got a ticket and a fine just for getting a bit lazy, even though they had the correct permit.

What does the VP get? A warning from the Texas parks and wildlife department.
A FREAKIN WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Probably something along the lines of

"Please pay attention to state hunting laws. Please. Please. Please."

I am willing to bet that I wouldn't have gotten a warning. Just bitch slapped by some game warden who was having a bad day, cuffed, and locked in cell with my new friend "Big John" who looks too lonely for my tastes.

That fat bastard politician deserves a ticket, a fine, and probably jail time, but no, he is the VP, so lets slap him on his wrist and laugh about it.

Here is what the TPWD Website says about the issue:

If you violate fish and wildlife laws, in addition to civil restitution you may:

• be fined (Class C - $25-$500; Class B - $200-$2000; Class A - $500-$4000; State Jail Felony, $1500-$10,000);
• be jailed (Class B and higher offenses);
• face automatic suspension or revocation of licenses for up to 5 years;
• forfeit hunting gear, including firearms, used to commit a violation.

CIVIL RESTITUTION: In addition to the criminal penalty for hunting and fishing violations, the department will seek the civil recovery value for the loss or damage to wildlife resources. The civil restitution cost is payable to Texas Parks and Wildlife Department and is in addition to the fine assessed by the court. Failure to pay the civil recovery value will result in the department's refusal to issue a license, tag, or permit. An individual who hunts or fishes after the refusal commits a class A misdemeanor which is punishable by a fine not less than $500 or more than $4,000; punishment in jail not to exceed one year; or both fine and confinement. For questions concerning civil restitution call (512) 389-4630.

Wonder what would have happened if the son of a bitch actually killed his hunting partner?

Real Sports in the Winter Olympics

Now that the winter Olympics have kicked off and despite the fact that I want to rant about the banning of athletes the day before the games begin, I have decided instead to share what I consider the only winter sports worth mentioning. If I had my way, these would be the only events in the winter games and the whole show would be over in about two weeks. Oh yeah, there would be more blood and gore too.


1. Skeleton – Dear God in heaven! What are these folks thinking? Face first down a 1,400-meter run that has 19 curves at speeds approaching 90 miles per hour? Talk about a sport where the weak are weeded out. It has to take guts, and tons of booze to get those poor fools to ride that monkey to the end of road. Please, don't try this one at home.

2. Luge- Didn’t get drunk enough to participate in the Skeleton events? Then strap on a luge and go at it. Same long track, same 19 turns, and same 90 miles per hour. Rather than go face first to your doom, you go feet first. WOW. Drive those shins up through your rib cage in a crash. What scares me even more is the fact that there are two person luges. That is right. Two people strap themselves on the same death sled and head downhill together. Definitely a sport for whiskey drinkers.

3. Bobsled-At least you don’t have to die alone. This sport is fun. Two or four person teams shoot down the previously mentioned track praying that this contraption doesn’t flip over and drive their spines out through the top of their skulls. I don’t figure you have to be nearly as drunk to ride this beast and that is the reason it goes in at #3.

The Garden Again

The north side of the garden is ready to go. Everything is tilled, rows made, and soaker hose buried in each hill. This is how my garden should look all the time, but I am way too lazy for that.

Then there is the south side of the garden.


The good news about the south side is that this weekend I got the pile of leaves, logs and general refuse burned up real nicely. The freeze took care of my ragged paprika plant and now all that is left is to till this side up, make rows, and finish putting in the soaker hose. Maybe I can have this done by the end of the week. If it warms up the flat leaved parsely goes in as well. It is still too cold for much else, but a quick crop of spinach might be nice.

Fears Revisited: #6

6. The Burger King: Take one look at that creepy, soulless face you will understand what I am talking about. Everytime it pops up on TV, it triggers some deep rooted primal urge to flee at top speed while grunting. If I were to ever really see this he-devil in person, I am sure that carnage would ensue. The lizard part of my brain would take over and attempt to bludgeon this evil beast to death, if it is even possible. The Burger King may be immune to normal weapons, but silver bullets might do the trick.

My Other Fears

The Garden Monster

I have fancied myself a gardner for along time. Of course with most things I "Fancy" that means I get really enthusiastic, then forget about it. My garden though, is one thing that I look forward to every year.

Living where I live, it is very hard to have a garden since the forest rats (deer) eat anything and everything that they can get their little lips on. So last year I built a fence with the help of my father and FIL, and started a garden. It did pretty well and then I let it go to weeds in the fall. It was a combination of being lazy and letting the ground lie fallow for awhile.


This was the entrance of my garden in December, when the urge to till the soil and plant things started to hit me hard. Below is pretty much the only living survivor of last summer's garden, a very tough stand of chard. Those three plants are impressive considering that I haven't watered the garden in at least 4 months and there has been almost no rainfall in that time.

Now all I have to do is get to work on the garden. Till, rake, shovel and whip it into shape. Oh yeah!!!!

But that is the hard part.

Stay tuned

Fat Evil Monkey Bastards Unite

For those of you who know me (I am so sure that a lot of folks read the crap I spew here) I make my living as a school teacher. I tend to be a bit nervous about broadcasting this across the www since there is always the chance someone will see this and realize "That's my child's teacher, not some random nut."

Of course then I will get stuck with the label of being a degenerate pervert weirdo, or even worse they might call me a "LIBERAL." Oh lord, what have I done?

Enough kidding here. Today during the random metal detector searchs I saw my name scrawled on the side of a science table. You know you have arrived as a teacher when you get your name scrawled across a desk, especially when they go as far as calling you a "fat, evil, monkey bastard."

Some people might take offense at that, but not me. The kids love me or they wouldn't write things like that about me. It may seem sad, but that made my day.