Lunch and Dinner

If you look very closely at the picture you can see both the fawns that are napping in my back yard.

I refer to them as Lunch and Dinner (I know they will taste good), but I don’t think my wife appreciates those names.

They have spent the summer in my backyard, probably from soon after their birth. The first time I saw them they were both wobbly and could barely stand. The strange thing is that they appear to be twins. They share the same mother and are always together.

It is entertaining to see them frolic (yes, that word really fits here) in the backyard, then lie down for their naps. The two little critters spend a lot of time sleeping in the safety of the backyard, much to the consternation of my dogs.

So enjoy the deer as I do. Just wait till they eat some more of my wife’s flowers. I bet she starts calling them Lunch and Dinner as well.

Brain Candy for July

Here is your July Brain Candy

The Solar System
Funny Statues in Children’s Parks
Avenging Unicorn
Black Sun
Cool Insect Photos
Melting Ice Pops
Scar Tissue
Cats that look like Hitler
Do You Know This Frog?
George Washington
Carnival Cartoons
Plants in Motion
I Like Pandas
How to Spot a Jap
More Insect Photos
Oral Fixation
The Llama Song
The Liner
End Times

Fears # 8

For those who are new and those who don’t really care, let me recap my top seven personal fears. These are things that bring terror into my life. I can’t always explain why, but I know these things scare me.

1. Heights
2. Feral Chihuahuas
3. Snowmen
4. Evil Clowns
5. Evil Soul Stealing Human Form Robots
6. The Burger King
7. Feral Roosters

Why would I bring up my fears? Well, after my recent trip I came face to face with #8 on my list. If I traveled to Louisiana on a regular basis, #8 would move up on the list, but as it stands, it is only # 8.

8. Interstate 10 Bridge at Lake Charles/Westlake, Louisiana- Oh how I fear this bridge. I refuse to drive a car over it. I have done this many times, but will never do it again. I can’t. I fear a blow out will cause me to crash off of it. I fear riding in car over it, even when I am not driving. On my last trip I cowered in the backseat and fed my daughter carrots while my wife drove across the bridge and yelled “Don’t look out the windows, keep feeding the baby!” as we crossed the bridge. I have had nightmares about being forced to walk across this monster bridge. If it was cross the bridge on foot and live or don’t cross and die, you had better believe that death would be a viable option for me.

Elmo

This weekend, while I was visiting friends, I was introduced to Elmo. My wife's friend pulled out her childrens' dancing Elmo and let him rip.

Watching Elmo do the Hokey-Pokey was funny, the first time. It was the second and third time when I starting getting nervous. There is something not quite right about Elmo. I won't say wrong, but just not right.

Elmo was gone from my mind for awhile, but on the way home my wife informed me that another friend had given us a couple of Elmo's for my daughter. Her kids were no longer into Elmo and she figured my little girl would eventually get a kick out of him.

I began to worry.

Once we were home I dug through the bags until I found the donated Elmos. One is an ABC Elmo that dances and sings the A, B, C song. Much creepier than the dancing Elmo. The other one is a cheering Elmo. Its arms and legs move and wave and it does a cheer.

"Give me an E. Give me an L. Give me a M. Give me an O. What does that spell?"

My spine was tingling. It was like the stepford wives, only worse. He was small, red, and perky. I won't say that Elmo is evil, but right now I keep ours locked in the deep freeze in the garage. The thought of those furry red beasts dancing during the night scares me deep down on a genetic level.

All I can say is, watch out for Elmo. He just isn't right.

Hey #1000, who are you?

Last night I was getting this blog url for a friend and I noticed that the counter was at 1002. That means someone was the big #1000, but they didn't leave a comment.

Who are you? I promised a full entry of mocking and disdain for you , if only you will fess up. I don't force you to read this, you just do it on your own, so claim your prize.

I will be out of town all weekend, so I will update everyone on my interesting trip on Monday.
If the prize winner hasn't confessed by then, I will just post an entry that mocks everyone who reads this, believe me, it won't be kind. Funny yes, but morally crushing, just wait.

If you thought the snowmen and monkies were strange....

After that last, rather pompous post that should leave you with the idea that I am an over educated and under motivated fool, I figured I should share something to prove my humanity or at least my foolishness. I think I am also trying to replace the quality of my posts with quantity.

The picture above is of one of my favorite spots in my house. It is a small portion of wall in the kitchen that I walk past many times in a day. I hope you aren’t too offended.

The top of the picture is a corkscrew from Belgium. My brother-in-law was shopping with his Aunt in Belgium one summer and this was the gift that “screamed your name.”

Offensive, yet humorous, go figure.

The bottom is my bottle opener. It has followed me to my third and hopefully last dwelling. I don’t think a house can be home without one. How do people drink things, like beer, without one? I don’t think I can consider any place without one civilized.

All About Me: Education

Now that it appears that my faithful readers may have grown beyond me, myself, and I, I have decided to go ahead and open up and share a little more about myself. The over riding reason is because I like myself, but the other reason is that as I prepare my political rants about the upcoming elections here in Texas, I don’t want to be misunderstood. I need for folks to know where I am coming from and why.

Once a week, at least for a few weeks and maybe even twice a week, I am going to be sharing information about myself. I wish I had a snappy name for this little sharing time of mine, but I don’t. So, lets get on with this freak show.

Education

I grew up in a decent sized town in Texas: population of 25-30 thousand people and a total population of probably 250,000 or more in the county. Not too big and not too small. I managed to scrape out of high school in the bottom quarter of my class (700 + people in the old graduating class). It wasn’t a lack of brains, just a lack of trying. I didn’t hate high school; I just had better things to deal with. I really think my under achiever status was best. I shudder to think what I might have been like had I really put the nose to the grindstone and made something of myself at this stage. Think evil genius. Think evil genius with no conscience at all.

Then I went college. Four and one half years of undergraduate work at good ole Austin College. Once again I turned the brainpower down and dealt with my vices instead of my studies. I really do think that being a slacker for this period of my life was the best route for me. This was when I considered all those screams of “Fascist bastard” as compliments. Think evil genius with a well-rounded liberal arts education. I got out with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Political Science. Be very thankful that I didn’t go to that job interview with the CIA. Believe me, things could have turned out much worse, for you, not for me. After doing other things for several years (that comes in the All About Me: Jobs) and then I went back to college to get certified to teach. Sam Houston State University was where I spent the next 3 years of my life learning about teaching. It was good. I was good. I had out grown a lot of bad habits and views and was well on my way to becoming a real person. I even used my brain, got good grades, and found motivation in life; Real motivation, not the kind the can buy in a liquor store. After teaching for a couple of years I started work on my Masters Degree in Education at good ole SHSU. I put a couple of semesters behind me when I realized that I had no desire to be a principal. I teach, therefore I am. I also bitch, therefore I am, but that is a different story. So where does that leave me now? Older, wiser, fairly well educated, and generally a pain in the ass. Will I ever finish my master’s degree? Who knows? I don’t know that I need it. I am damned happy being a teacher. I am also damned good at being a teacher

A Bucket Full of What?

Just when you hoped that I had crawled under a rock with the weirdness that is my life, I pop out with some other strange observation.

Anyone remember my bucket-o-fish guts?

Back in March a five gallon bucket of fish guts arrived at my house for various garden experiments. Most of them went well. I have grown the largest most impressive tomato plants that I have ever seen. Every two to three days I harvest tons of tomatoes, but who cares?

Right after I emptied the bucket-o-guts I had to find something else to put in the bucket. BINGO. It is March, the weather is warm, and my feral dogs are in need of a haircut.

Oh yes, you are getting the picture, or are you?

I own two mid sized Pekingese dogs. Cute as a button. Hairy as bigfoot. Completely feral.





Once upon a time I spent my time dreaming of running the iditarod with a team of specially trained Pekes. The 90's were a slow decade for me as you are starting to see. My ideas weren't that great.

Now I own these two hairballs that shed faster than I or my wife can vacuum. So every summer they get the summer cut. Usually by a professional, but not this year. This year I did it. More precisely, I do it every two to three weeks. The hounds get a cut and a bath. Over the last few months, I have saved all the hair, hence the Bucket-o-Hair.

Why save a five gallon bucket of dog hair? Lets see..... Oh yes, I can put in around my garden to scare off the deer. Right.......

Maybe someday I will figure out what to do with my ever growing Bucket-o-Hair, right now I just wait, and let it grow larger, smellier, and scarier.

Everyone needs a bucket-o-hair, believe me.

PS. I finally added some links to this page. It is about time, and the list will keep growing. Damn I can be lazy during the summer months.

Update

It is now Thursday. Almost a week since the return of Mr. Kidney Stone.
So what am I doing these days?

1) Staying inside. It rains every day it seems like. My yard likes it. It keeps my water bill down. It makes me crazy. It even makes my dogs crazy. I can't work in the garden or mow the yard, which sounds good, but the longer this goes on, the worse both of those tasks will be.

2) Reading. I go to the library once every two weeks and stock up on books. Sometimes once a week. I read, read, read.

3) Drinking six-twenty four ounce glasses of water a day, minimum. Doctor ordered me to drink water till my urine is CRYSTAL CLEAR. It takes at least six of those monster glasses of water to keep that one going. It also means I am wed to the toilet. Every thirty to forty five minutes like clockwork. This has to change. No soft drinks or beer. Very bad for my morale.

4) Gnashing my teeth over the death of Ken Lay. I hate to bad mouth the dead, but he got off easy. That evil bastard deserved a nice long stay in prison. He deserved a boyfriend who was seriously into rough love. There is a part of me that thinks the death was faked, that he is living in Argentina with Hitler. They would make great friends. Then again Hitler may have some small set of morals and refuse to associate with someone like Lay.

5) Gearing up for the upcoming Texas Governor's Election. Stay tuned here. I think I am going to do a little "Rate the Candidates" thing later in the year, maybe in August or September to help people make up their minds.

6) Watching BBC News. Man, if you hate the American Media like I do, turn to the BBC News if you have it. They aren't American Haters, but they tell it as it is.

7) Laughing about North Korea and their "missile tests". More on this one later. It truly deserves its own rant.

8) Counting down till I finally reach 1000 hits on my hit counter for my blog. As of right now it is hovering around 928 or so. 1000 is so close. I wish I could offer a prize for the 1000th visitor.
How about this: If you are visitor #1000, let me know via email or comments and I will mock you. Yep, A full page of mocking remarks for you.

Mr Kidney Stone Is Not Your Friend

About two years ago I had my first kidney stone. I really thought I was going to die. My greatest hope that was once I passed that one, my life with kidney stones would be over. I guess I didn’t hope hard enough.

Friday morning found me writhing in agony on my bathroom floor. From about 5:30 am till about 9:00 am I understood the true meaning of pain. Every time I though that it couldn’t get any worse, I discovered that kidney stone pain goes to 11. If pain really is weakness leaving your body, then I am now as strong as Superman. That is how much damn pain I went through on Friday.

I also discovered just how long three hours really is. At 7 am I called my doctor’s office and got an appointment at 9:50 am. Every second seemed like an eternity and no matter how many times I looked at my watch it was never more than a minute or two since the last time I looked. Pain really does affect the passage of time.

I just can’t explain it other than it freakin hurt. It hurt bad. My mother laughed at me as she drove me to the doctor’s office. I heard two things from her that did nothing to ease my suffering.

#1 “ Now you know what it is like when your wife has a baby.”
#2 “I had a kidney stone once, but I would rather have another baby without any painkiller rather than have another kidney stone.”

Talk about a lack of nurturing on my trip to the doctor’s office.

Well, where does that leave me now?
Drinking enough water to float a battleship everyday and hoping that I have completely passed the stone. There is no promise that I won’t have another one, but I will deal with that when it comes, I hope.

Kidney Stone Facts