The Hamburger Tree

Sometimes I say stupid things. Often I say really stupid things. On the really rare occasion, I say something funny. Most often, I say something stupid and the response I get in return is funny.

Today's exchange via email is one of those things.

Me: Hunting is needed my friends and as a benefit, animals taste sooooo good too.

Mr Shane: "And God said, 'Let there be meat!' And there was meat. And it was GOOD."
I'd buy the Adam and Eve story a lot more if it was a hamburger tree...

Books

I am a reader. I began reading at in the second grade. I remember this because my parents and teachers were concerned in the first grade that I couldn't read. Boy, I fooled them.

I will read almost anything. I will read whenever I can find a moment. I crush books beneath my monsterous reading skills. I love books.

1. One book that changed your life:
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien. I first read it in the fifth grade. I was hooked on reading already, but this one really sealed the deal on me and reading. Even better, there were more books (The Lord of the Rings) to read when I was done.

2. One book that you’ve read more than once:
There are two that I read regularly when out of books. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson and The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien.

3. One book you’d want on a desert island:

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

4. One book that made you laugh:

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas made me laugh so hard I shot Coke out of my nose.

5. One book that made you cry:

I don't think that this has ever happened. I don't cry and I don't find books sad.

6. One book that you wish had been written:

The Scarlet Pimpernel

7. One book that you wish had never been written:

Bridges of Madison County

8. One book you’re currently reading:

Guests of the Ayatollah by Mark Bowden

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read:

None right now. I vanquished the only on the list this summer. Focault's Pendelum by Umberto Ecco.

What is Funny?

After reading Meander's post about what she finds funny, I decided to think on that one.

So what is funny to me?
1)Bodily functions
2)Monty Python
3) Three Stooges
4) "Raising Arizona"

This list is not complete, but it shows the major trends in my humor.
Then again, I am easy to please. I love to laugh. Laughter is what it is all about.

Here is a story that someone sent me recently. I find this "Shooting Coke Out of My Nose Funny."

Touching Elephant Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

See, dark, but funny.

Mr. Butternut

This is Mr. Butternut Squash. He actually lives right outside my garden. Soon the time will come when he and all his siblings will be removed from the garden and taken inside the house.

I can hardly wait to make a tasty meal of Mr. Butternut.

What was your last dream about that you can remember?

When I was looking for something to write about, this question came across my computer screen at some point. It freaked me out for a good reason and that is I normally never remember dreams, not at all.

Except for this week.
I had a real monster dream that I remember, probably because it was interupted by strangeness and it was fresh in my mind.

It starts with my wife noticing a strange hooded man standing in the trees at the edge of our property. I notice him too and I head out to confront him. The exact nature of the confrontation was fuzzy, but when I walked away I know that I needed to get back inside and get my gun. As I walked toward the house, the stranger drew a gun and started shooting at me.

I sped up, running for the house, when my boss comes out the backdoor of my house, assumes a shooting stance, levels a huge Colt revolver, and blasts the stranger. Three shots in the center of his chest.

At that point my dogs began barking wildly, I shot up out of bed and headed to the living room. I was freaked. As if the dream wasn't bad enough, the mere fact of being shocked out of it by barking dogs at 5:30 a.m. made it a good taste of Doom Cake for Breakfast.

I couldn't see or find what the dogs were barking about so I calmed them and went back to bed. I am awfully glad that I didn't fall asleep and resume the dream, but believe me, it is disturbing.

It is also bothersome to want ask your boss if she has a preference in large caliber revolvers. Believe me, I am going to find a way to ask.

Brain Candy for August

Just a note. Many of the links here are all screwed up. I will try and fix this over the weekend. Some of these are just plain fun.

Armor Of God

Mermaid-Mummies

Dr Suess Advertising

Who Works for the Government?

Mt. Etna

Spider Web Movies

Erik Satie

Faces Around Us

Geograph of Slavery

Photo Fraud

Transbuddha

Fresh Poppy

Pre-WWII Middle East Photos

Dime Store Packaging

Fore-Edge Painting

9/11 Ground Zero Photos

Original UpRock

Basin Street Blues

Pacha

Strange Statues

Prohibition Picture

Candidate # 2

Carole Keeton Strayhorn
Party: Independent (former Republican)
Slogan: “One tough grandma, one tough tax fighter for Texas”
Other political offices held: Texas State Comptroller, Texas Railroad Commissioner

My thoughts:
Is there any such thing as a former Republican? That is the one draw back that I see in her “I am a grandma just like “ is that deep down inside, she is still a Republican. No matter how you wash her, she stinks like one and I doubt that reek will ever go away. Is she as slimy as Rick Perry? Probably not, but everyone needs to keep an eye on her. To me “Former Republican” is the same “Republican”. They share the same base word and they both need watched, closely.

In some ways she might just be an evil genius. She didn’t waste her efforts on fighting Perry for the Republican nomination, but instead jumped ship (see above) and is running as an independent. Basically, if you think that Perry is too sleazy, even for a Republican, then vote for Strayhorn, especially if you are a Republican.

The one drawback that I see to her “Independent Plan” is that her and Kinky will probably split the independent vote and allow Perry to win by default. Then again it might now be a drawback. It just might be some super secret Republican plan to keep Kinky out of the Governor’s mansion.

Skittering Thoughts

I love to laugh.

Right now I am laughing so hard I am crying.

That is good.

Here is why Skittering Thoughts.

Please visit. She may be twisted and have a sewer mind, but she is funny.

I think I can relate to her.

Am I happy?

Meander (Meander's Sweet Tea Cafe) asked if I was looking forward to the school year and it got me to thinking.

For the past 11 years I have gone through a cycle. I start the school year excited, get worn down, hate my job, and walk away. By the end of the summer I am excited about going back. Really excited.

That is until this year. Year 12 has brought me a year of no enthusiasm. I love my job. I do a great job of it as well, but I just don't feel like coming to work. It has nothing to do with my bosses, the kids or my coworkers. I am just plain tired.

It isn't an age thing either. I am getting older (not too damn old yet), but I just don't have the excitement or motivation to be back at school.

Part of me thinks this is what professional athletes go through. They love what they do, but at some point it gets to be tiresome to play every day/year of their lives.

Do I love my job? Yes.
Am I ready to move on to something different? NO
Do I need someone to drag me out of bed every morning? Yes.

I sure hope I find a cure for this soon.

Letters to our leaders

I have not given up my series of posts on the candidates for governor in Texas, #2 will come today, but I had to take the time to share my latest victory.

Over the last few weeks the Texas Lottery Commission has been airing advertisements about how it has provided 8 billion dollars to education over the last eight years. It drives me crazy because this has been a criticism of the lotto for years. It was passed in order to fund education, but no one seems to be able to pin down where the money is going. If public education really got that 8 billion over the last eight years, where the hell was it used?

Wonder why the commercials would pop up during and election year? I wonder about it and it bugs me, kinda like the terror alerts that were almost constant before the last presidential election, but you don't hear about any more.

Well, I put my criminal, I mean genious mind to work and got my father in law riled up over the lottery commercials. The man is a serious letter writer. It makes him feel better for awhile, but usually the answers he gets are less than satisfactory. Needless, I got him to write a letter.

The basic idea behind my plan was easy. He would write a letter asking where the 8 billion dollars has been spent in education. As a tax payer he is entitled to get an exact breakdown of how this money is being used.

The great part is that he is sending his letter to four different folks. Same letter, four different state politicians. His state representative, his state senator, his state board of education representative, and the governor all got copies of the letter.

Now we are waiting for the results. It is a race of sorts.
1) Who will reply first?
2) How long will it take for all of them to reply?
3) Will their answers all be the same?

I will post the results when they are in, but this should be an interesting exercise in democracy.

Causes of Exploration

Today teaching began for real. The first two days of school are always filled with administrative tasks, like taking up paperwork and filling out useless forms. It was high time for some learning.

I teach American history to 8th graders and that means we start at the beginning: Causes of Exploration.

Our topics today were fun and entertaining

1. The Crusades - Life sucks in Europe, so lets go kill Muslims for fun.
2. Exploration of the New World - Small Pox for fun and profit.
3. The Reformation- We don't need no stinking popes.

It is amazing the lengths that you have to go to in order to educate 8th graders. The hardest part of the day was explaining small pox.

I really thing we need some deadly diseases back in circulation. It would make my teaching so much easier to do and understand.

Back To Work

It has been too quiet around here lately and here is why.

Today is the first day of school.
If any day is "Doom Cake Day", this is it.
No Opening Day procedure meets the kids and comes away unaltered.
The Plan always fails.

Please, sit down, have an extra helping of Doom Cake for breakfast today.
There will be no day more fun than today.

So here is to Opening Day 2006.
Please pass the Doom Cake.....

My Father's Birthday

Last Wednesday was my father's 80th birthday. I had meant to post this last week, but things have been busy with me gearing up for the start of the school year.

If you haven't seen "That 70's Show", take a day and watch an episode.
"Red" the father, is just how I remember my dad when I was growing up.

I find it amazing that my father has experienced so much. As much as I gripe about it, I know that someday I will miss his stories about growing up during the great depression, World War II, and life after the war.

Most people probably wouldn't find their fathers that interesting, but as I get older, I realize that so many things that my dad experienced are lost forever as a way of life in this country.

He worked for the same company for almost his entire adult life. I know that isn't the case with me.

He lived in a boarding house and worked in a candy factory.
My dad owned a bar .

He fought in the Pacific during WWII and visited many places in the far east.

I know we didn't get along much when I was growing up, but at this point in my life, I have a great deal of respect for him. I hope he realizes it because I would hate for him to think that he was not appreciated or respected.

I also hope I half as interesting as him when I reach 80. I at least want to be having as much fun as he seems to be having.

Candidate # 1

I have promised something related to the upcoming election here in Texas. Our governor's race is full of fun and promise, so I had better get off my duff and share. So without any applause, here is candidate number one, Rick Perry. Not only is he candidate number one, but as the man with the job now, he is the candidate to beat.

Rick Perry

Party: Republican

Slogan: “I’m proud of Texas, How ‘bout you?”

Other political offices held: Texas State Representative, Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, Lt. Governor of Texas, Governor of Texas.

My thoughts:
Where do I begin? He is evil. He is slimy. He is a Republican. Did I say he lies? Did I say he reeks of evil and hydraulic fluid? Take George Bush, take away all that is good (no comments, this is for comparison purposes only), slap a greasy hair piece on him, polish his face with a power sander and there you have Perry. I really think they cloned Shrub, raised the clone as a complete sociopath, grafted on the face of some poor john doe from the county morgue, and there you have Perry.

Will he win? Maybe by default. If Strayhorn and Kinky split the independent vote, then Perry has a hell of a shot at repeating. The only thing that might lose things for him is if the blows a hydraulic line in his neck during a debate and hot hydraulic fluid spurts out exposing him as a Disney built animitronic robot. Then again, it hasn’ happened yet, so I doubt it will happen now. Wonder what would happen if his warranty with Disney ran out?

Update

This is perhaps the worst part of the year for me.
Work starts again in a week, it is hell hot outside, the yard needs mowed, I don't have great net access, birthdays (my daughter's first, my dad's 80th, my older sisters's ?) in about a week.

Anything that needs done around the house has to be done NOW because I have piddled away the summer.

My fun is almost over. I think Monday was my last fishing trip for a while.

The good news is that once back at work I will have quicker access and more blog updates. More fun for everyone.

So if you have been visiting and noting the spareseness of the posts, be happy that it is almost time for a flurry of things here. Only 17 more posts till I hit 100. Oh yeah baby!!!!
Almost a year here and already at 1000+ visitors and almost to my 100th post.

So stay tuned. More fun to come, I promise