Dumb People

This is a black bear.

These are basic black bear facts: 5 -7 feet long. Stands about 3 feet at the shoulder. Standing on its hind legs it is about 7 feet tall. They weigh between 90 and 660 pounds as adults.

In short, black bears are pretty freaking big hunks-o-bear. Lets face it, if you saw one of these burly balls of hunger coming for you, you would not stand around to see just what was on his mind.

Now after a few beers I might be leaning toward a bit of the bear wrestling, but that would be an extreme situation, even for me.

The reason that I bring this up is this story.
I have tried to make sense of this for a whole week, but I just do not get it.

If I was sitting in a boat, minding my own business, drinking a few beers, and fishing, the FIRST thing I would notice is the big, hairy, hungry, Black bear swimming across the river.
MAYBE I am wrong, but I doubt it. The more I read this story the more I realize that this bear was probably a)pissed off at humans and had something to prove or b)freakin insane. Either way it had to be obvious that the bear was coming, so this dumb ass just sat there and looked at "the nice friendly bear swimming his way."

Then the bear gets out of the river, crawls up on a dock, and jumps in the boat. Somewhere along the line I really would like to think that my tiny little human brain would have clicked to the notion that this bear had malice in its heart and the good thing to do would be to fire up the boat's motor and get the hell out of there.

Now while I don't like to slam people of different nationalities on Mondays, this guy makes most Canadians look really bad. In my brain (that tends to operate in a fog) I do not think too highly of Canada, but PLEASE!!!!!

Isn't Canada full of bears? I would think that if you lived in Canada you would have at least some clue that a bear that swims across the river and climbs up on YOUR dock is bad news?

What really breaks my heart is that the bear got killed for all its efforts. Yeah, it crawled in a boat and mauled some poor guy, but in the evolutionary game of INTELLIGENCE you would think that the human would be smart enough to avoid the situation.

So take some free advice and if you see a bear swimming your way, get the hell out of town.

Notes to Myself

Notes to Myself

Thomas Edison Rocks

This is a light bulb.

For the first time in 13 days I turned one on in my house last night.
I know what the first primitive humans must have felt like when they discovered fire.

I jumped with joy.
I screamed.
I tried to turn on every electrically powered device in my home.
The missus tried to kick me in the testicles and told me to stop wasting electricity.

Needless to say, Casa Doom Cake is back in business, almost.
WE have power and internet, which is a huge step toward ending our third world experience, but there is no cable television, yet.
One phone call today and I bet I have cable service before the end of the day. I have 13 days of "no electric" crazy built up and it is all going on the cable people.

Now I can start reading blogs and posting again.
It is good to be out of the stone age and back into a foundering America where the economy is tanking and the 2nd great depression is about to begin.

Puritans and 8th Graders

This is John Winthrop. Google him. I personally hate him and everything his Puritan lackeys stood for. No matter what they taught in school, the Pilgrims and their Puritan hyenas were rude, intolerant, and savage assholes of the worst sort. Google Puritans and see what you come up with.

Every day in my class we start off with a warm up. This is some sort of activity that gets the kids seated and thinking before I have to come in and tell them about their futures as wards of the state.

Here is today's warm up;

"If we should change from a mixed aristocracy to mere democracy, first we should have no warrant in scripture for it: for there was no such government in Israel ... A democracy is, amongst civil nations, accounted the meanest and worst of all forms of government."
-- John Winthrop

1. Explain (in 2-4 sentences) what John Winthrop is talking about.

Sounds really easy does it not?
If only you could read some of the answers I had to deal with today.

Lets see if I can share a few with you. Spelling is ALL theirs.


1)What I think he wants to fight for new rights and become a government that will have equall rights.

2)He was talking about how a democracy was ruled by a king/queen and he didn't like it. Also how Israel that form of government isn't even put out as an option bk they think it is mean and they don't like it.

3)There was no government in Israel. So they mixed aristocracy and democracy.

Should I go on? Oh, I think not. I am already to puke again. I had to read 100 of these today and very few of them were anywhere near the mark.

Is it too hard?
Am I asking too much?
Is it wrong to tell them; "If you whine that you read it five times and don't understand it, then you know that the only answer is to read it a sixth time and pray you figure it out?"

There are some days that it does not pay to be a teacher.

600

Damn, 600 already? Seems like 500 just happened. I guess this is some sort of Hurricane Lag setting in. I don't hardly know what day it is, what I need to bitch about, or what I am having for dinner.

The good news is that I am back at work after a week off. I can't say vacation because there was no tropical island (just a tropical storm), my beer is warm, and the electricity is off, STILL.

Any way, I am sure I will find something blog worthy on the way home. It is difficult to be me and not be pissed off about something.

Sooner or later the realization that I actually stood and stared at a supermarket shelf for ten minutes in shock the other day will set in. Ten minutes trying to rationalize why the Redbull was all gone. Ten Minutes gone from my life forever over Diet Redbull. That should piss anyone off. Not the lack of the nectar of the gods, but ten minutes lost.

Oh, where the hell was I?
600 posts.
Damnity damn.

I going to go home and surf net porn on my Inlaw's computer. I can blame it all on my SIL.

Ike Does Conroe: One Day Too Many

The supermarket was out of Redbull. Not a drop to be found anywhere in the whole damn store.
The apocalypse is upon us.
I am sure of it

Ike Does Conroe: Pictures Part 3

Ike Does Conroe: Pictures Part 2

Ike Does Conroe: Pictures Part 1

Ike Does Conroe: Day 6 Rolling Third World Style

Have you ever wondered why there is so much death, destruction, and mayhem in the third world? Well folks, I now know that it is all due to boredom. Plain and simple. People who don't have electricity, cable television, or the internet are seriously bored.

With boredom comes the desire to laugh, even if it is at something horrible happening. That explains all the nasty things we see and hear out of the third world. The people there are not evil and poor, they are bored and poor. I can understand their plight.

Today I was probably on the verge of killing someone just because everyone here is so bored and frustrated. A good vicious murder would have probably led to another block party and a serious round of binge drinking.

One of our neighbors was probably very close to a beating when she requested the use of a generator so that she could do laundry. The world is full of dumb asses.

It took 4 hours to carry all the debris out of my SIL's yard and burn it. FOUR hours to carry every stinking stick and branch to the burn pile and toss it on. I finally exclaimed that I was tired of burning. I never thought I would ever get tired of burning shit.

It is almost physically impossible for me to bend or twist at the waist after my second complete day of debris. This sucks, but then again, it is part of my third world experience.

There is some good news. My inlaws have power and I am over here posting this update in real time. Thanks for all the comments, too bad the notes to myself are usually posted in advance.

I am ass tired so I am off to bed. There will be pictures and more later. Right now I want a hot shower and some sleep.

Ike Does Conroe: Day 5

A cold front moved through last night and made sleeping a bit easier. I hate being hot when I sleep, but sometimes you can’t do much about it. I will say that today I discovered the coffee and a hot shower are pretty much what separates man from the apes.

It was cooler today (84 F) and I spent most of the day in the yard. We raked and piled the debris in my yard and my SIL’s yard. It took about 4 hours to rake and clean nearly a full acre, but when it was done, it was burn time. It took me another hour and a half to carry all the debris piles in my yard to the fire. This was not burn time, but the time it took me to continuously move around the yard and bring piles of tree parts to their funeral pyre. That is one big shit load of burning. Tomorrow I will do the same at my SIL’s house. Burn baby burn.

Still no electricity, but tomorrow I am instigating my plan for net access. If the cell phone will ever get service I think I can use it as some sort of Internet modem. If I still had dialup, I know I could do it for sure, but I will see how things work tomorrow. If not, then I know one of my coworkers had a generator wired into their house and they have net access. If I can sneak away for a couple of hours I am sure I can weasel a half-hour of wireless access to send some emails and post this shit to my blog. If not, oh well, one more damn day in paradise.

I also learned today that I am off work till at least next Monday. I think today is Monday, so that means another week in total boredom. At this point I really wish I had a chainsaw so I could drive around and cut shit up in people’s yards and then get paid in warm beer.

I have also had to start rationing the stack of books I got from my mother and the library just before the damn storm. With no television, limited radio, and no net access I am pushing through a book a day. I love to read, but I am not sure that I have enough reading material to make it till the end of the week. Same goes for whiskey. I thought a 1.75 liter bottle of Jack Daniels would go further, but what else is there to do after dark?

The supermarkets are open, but no cold or frozen goods. There was a two-loaf limit on bread and the county has several distribution points for free ice. Suddenly after a few days of this I realize why everyone in the third world hates America. It must severely suck to be in the third world and realize that Americans waste more resources on cable television and net porn than they have for food, lighting, or even air conditioning. I am pretty sure that ShrubCo could have conquered Iraq with two 18-wheelers full of window units, a truckload of good porn DVDs, and refrigerated truck full of ice and beer. Right now there are about 350,000 people in my county who would kill for shit like that.

Strange thing is the sheer number of generators around here. About 3 out of every 5 houses in my neighborhood have the damned things and you can hear them running all freaking day and night. The absence of any background noise makes them that much more noticeable.

I am about to crawl into bed and try and sleep. It is still cool, but my lower back is so sore from yard work that I could use a whole gaggle of midget masseuses to even loosen it up a bit. My main concerns are trivial in reality. My electric toothbrush is going to run out of charge soon and then I am going to be in a whole different world of hurt. When the laptop batteries go, then so will my sanity. By the end of the week I expect to be hunting my neighbors with a spear and wearing a loin clothe.

Ike Does Conroe: Day 4

Today started off with a bang, literally. The thunderstorms hit us at about 5 am and literally blasted us out of bed. The hurricane itself had been several levels of terrifying below this and my house shook like artillery rounds were going off overhead. It was a crappy way to start the day, but at least the rain had finally stopped when the weather front rolled on past.

I spent the morning listening to the radio. Galveston was cut off and blasted. Houston was gutted, but living, and I was off work till at least Tuesday. Two of my districts’ schools were being used as shelters and there was no power.

According to the power company in my county, they had suffered “catastrophic failures” and most of my county was looking at 2-4 weeks of no power. Now this could suck with the temperatures 85 F + and looking to rise. Seems like some of those big monster metal power transmission towers had gone down. That was some serious wind. They have to fabricate them out of state and bring them in. No transmission towers, no power. This hurricane thing could really start to suck.

A guy down the street was cutting a monstrous oak off of his house when a branch snapped him off the roof yesterday. He had four broken limbs and a punctured lung. No phones means pounding on the door of the DPS officer who had to call the ambulance on his radio.

Today I discovered why someone invented chainsaws. I spent a couple of hours cutting branches with a handsaw in my mother’s front yard. You feel like shit when you roll up and see a 71 year old hauling giant branches around the yard. We got everything in hand and I went home. I could get some cell service in areas. I could only call out of town, but nothing local. The radio claims that cell service in Houston does not work because FEMA took over the cell system for their use. Useless government fucks in my opinion. J

The missus and I cleaned up our yard and the neighbor brought his generator over. We wired it up and pumped the septic system clear so we could keep using it. He is a good neighbor and did this for everyone on our end of the street.

The main thing now is boredom. No TV, just books and sweaty kids. I am about to start book number three after this is written and maybe watch a show on my ipod. I can live without AC (there is a cool front coming) and without TV, but man I am going stir crazy with the wife and kids. There is NOTHING to do and I am too hot to drink much. The supermarkets are open so tomorrow it is beer run time for sure. There is nothing worse than being hot and bored and realizing that sooner or later you are going to have to beg the neighbor to plug in your laptop so you can charge it for more offline blogging action.

Right now I would kill for a whataburger. I would probably drive 70 or 80 miles to get it.

Ike Does Conroe : Day 3 Hurricanes Smell Like Christmas Trees

Sometime between 1:30 and 2:30 am the power finally cut out, which meant no net or lights for folks like me. Soon there after, someone turned off the moon and cranked the Dark all the way to 11. To make the night even better, the winds kicked in. It sounded like someone had stuck my house in a wind tunnel and cracked it up a couple of notches past “Satanic” on the Buford scale.

This lasted all damn night and being the bastard I am, I slept through most of it. I can do things like that on occasion and it made worrying about the trees crashing down on my much easier to deal with.

By 7 am the eye of the storm had passed over and I woke up enough to witness the ass end of the blow from hell. By 10 or 11 I was wandering around in the yard looking at the destruction. It was raining and blowing, but for the most part, the storm was gone. We were safe.

By noon the landline phones were down and the cell phones were useless. Not a big surprise. FIL worked for the phone company and warned us that the landlines had an 8 hour battery back up, then BING, no more phones. The real surprise was the cell phones. It wasn’t till later that we figured that the system must have lost power as well and that several local towers probably went down in the wind.

I began driving around the area and seeing the trees and power lines that were down. The destruction was incredible and it was all from the damned night of non-stop wind. In a lot of ways we were lucky. No big trees down and no big trees on the house. The general rule of thumb in my neighborhood was that if you had a large oak tree, it fell on your house. I made it to my mother’s house and opened her garage for her and her electric gate. She was good with tree trash in the yard, but the house was intact. No power or water, but mom has seen worse.

I checked on my in laws as well and they were in the same situation. No power, no water, and no serious damage. By the end of my drive it was apparent that my entire family walked away unscathed, but that seemed to be the rarity.

Later in the afternoon when the wind and rain had stopped, we strolled around the neighborhood. My 3 year old said “Hurricanes smell like Christmas trees.” She was correct on that one. There were so many pine branches lying around that it did indeed smell like a giant Christmas tree.

We went to bed early that night since there was no power. We did have running water and a hot shower makes up for a lot of other bad shit.

I got a laugh when my neighbor arrived at my door asking to borrow a ladder. He is a pretty up front guy, but he was a bit evasive with his answers about the ladder. Being the 8^th grade teacher I am it was like chumming the water for a great white shark. I found him a few minutes later on the roof aligning his satellite dish. I was sitting in the dark with no power and two cranky kids and this guy was on his roof adjusting his dish so that he could watch TV. Yes, he had his generator hard wired into the house and he was running his window unit AC, his large screen TV and his satellite dish with it. Only here in Texas my faithful readers.

Notes to Myself

How to Tell The Teacher is Having a Bad Day

Ike Does Conroe: Day 3

It is just midnight here and the wind is blowing steady and pretty damn hard. The forecast now predicts that Ike will travel directly up Interstate 45 and cross Conroe as a Category 1 storm.

That means some bad stuff for the piney woods where I live. It isn't the water, but the tree/wind combination that will make life really interesting.

As you can tell, I still have power despite one little burp about an hour ago. Someone nearby is having a loud ear smashing party. I can't wait till the power goes and shuts down the constant thump of bass that is pissing me off.

With all that said, the power is going to go off sooner or later. The TV stations in Houston have lost power and gone to generators recently. Pretty freaky to see the TV go black, then jump back on with the anchors looking like terrified vermin.

Apparently Geraldo is in Galveston and I am hoping that the storm surge washes him away. There has to be some good to come out of this storm.

My entire family is snoozing away right now, which is good for them. I am wired despite my earlier party, so I am still up watching TV and emailing people.

So long for now. The next few hours are going to be interesting to say the least.

Ike Does Conroe: Day 2 Part 4

The wind is picking way up and staying constant. We still have power, but I don't think that is going to last once the wind really gets going. 250K people already without power. They are estimating over 2 million without power by the end of this thing.

The missus, SIL and the kids are bedding down right now. I am going to stay up and feed the hounds. Despite a few martinis I am still pretty wired.

Of course Ike is now targeted to pass right over us. Damn thing is out to get me.

More later.

Ike Does Conroe: Day 2 Part WTF?

For those of you who wonder, google: Conroe, Texas. That is all you need to know about myself and the path of destruction that Ike is going to blaze.

Just had hot wings and cold beer. Life is damn good, but we are probably at least 6 hours away from all hell breaking loose here. Of course the hot wing place was down to its last three boxes of wings, so someone is going to be unhappy very soon.

NO, I did not make the pizza guy deliver yesterday. I actually went and got it. Having live through shit like this as a delivery driver, I won't do that to other people.

I always post before pictures because it makes it easier to prove things to the insurance company if I need too. I have invited all the trouble I need. Ike is just another divine attempt to take me out.

A Week End in September. Google it. A great book on the Galveston Hurricane of 1900. It created a whole new level of respect for Hurricanes in me.


More later

Ike Does Conroe: Day 2 Part 2

The last pre Ike photos of Casa Doom Cake.

Ike Does Conroe: Day 2 Part 1

There are two types of people where I live in Texas right now.
The first is boarding up their windows to protect themselves from Ike.
The second type is riding around on their riding lawnmowers, mowing the yard, and laughing at the people who are boarding their windows.

I just put my lawnmower up!!!

Overcast with some winds, but no rain yet and we are still seeing the sun.

More later

Ike Does Conroe: Day 1 Final Post

Just got back from mom's (6 miles) and everything is good. All hurricane torpedoes were stowed and locked down. Roads were clear and the gas stations were empty, no gas to be had, even 6 miles off of Interstate 45. I found enough to top off my tank near my house, but I don't think it is going to last much longer.

Off to bed now. More in the morning.

Ike Does Conroe Day 1 pt 2

My estimated 2 hour drive home took 40 minutes because I have lived in Montgomery county Texas for most of my 40 year life. If it was not pizza delivery, it was a female that led me to every remote road and ditch of this county.

Things are warm and windy, but still good. I have gotten into my stash of Jack Daniels and am about to make a pizza run (one drink so far REALLY).

Tomorrow I plan to secure all Hurricane torpedoes at my house, my mom's house, and my SIL's house, mow my yard, and get ripped before Ike bears down on us.
Busy day.

So stay tuned. If the power stays on I plan to post short videos. All sorts of fun planned.

PS What a great country I live in. Ike is bearing down on us like it was shot straight out of Satan's ass and I just ordered Giant meat covered pizza via the internet. Oh yeah.

Ike Does Conroe Day 1

They are running like lemmings and today after rush hour the main highways will be contra flowed out of Houston.

My district has canceled school for tomorrow and I have permission to leave within the hour. A simple 30 mile drive is probably going to stretch my sanity to its limits and take 2 + hours.

Believe me, there will be more pictures and ranting tonight.
I also have to get the yard cleared of possible hurricane torpedoes. They are predicting at least 70 mph winds where I live plus all the tornadoes I can handle.
Gotta love the weather here in Texas.

Stay tuned for the fun. It is going to get better by the moment soon and Ike is still over a day away.

Doom Cake: The Ike Edition

This is Hurricane Ike. As much as I fear the death and destruction this thing brings with it, Ike is my friend.

Ike has gotten me out of open house and we all know how I feel about that.
Ike has gotten me Friday off because we will probably have to house refugees in our schools.
Ike is going to dump 10+ inches of rain on my dying yard and I am happy.

Ike is also a monster who is going to rip the Houston area a new one if we are not careful.
So stay tuned. Doom Cake updates till the power is gone and the booze runs out.
Of course as crazy as the stores will be, NO one but me ever hits the beer isle.

More to come

Return of the Man Fish

Everyone has them.
No one wants them.
They all suck worse than a $5 hooker.

Staff meetings.
We have our mini-staff meetings every Tuesday.

This year ours have taken a bad twist into craziness that I tried to avoid, especially because some sort of outside "Expert" is usually called in to teach us something.

So yesterday I was sitting quietly and listening to how I could help the writing teachers teach kids to write in my class. The pain was intense directly behind my eyeballs. I was pretty sure that my brain leech had detached from my medulla oblongata and was trying to chew its way out through one of my eyes. That is how bad it was to begin with, but it got worse.

One of my coworkers launched into their "My kid is so freaking wonderful" litany. It is almost as if the only sentence this person knows starts with "My kid is so a)smart b)better than you c)insanely brilliant." OH THE PAIN.

After the third installment of "My child is . . ." I started flailing in my seat like a giant beached man-fish and yelling; "I need a pen. ANYTHING FOR A PEN. I NEED A PEN."

Of course what really made the crazy go to a new level was when another coworker, who knew exactly what was up, leaped out of her seat and began tearing the conference room apart in search of a pen while yelling back to me; "They keep huge stashes of pens in here somewhere. I saw them last week. They HAVE to be here."

Yeah, it was ugly. It was way beyond normal weird and all the way into crack head weird. The presenter kept staring at us, the annoying coworker had no clue, and the rest of the people in the meeting were trying to hold back laughter because it was too uncomfortable to make eye contact with anyone else in the room.

After a few frantic minutes of pen searching, my backup returned to her seat and we both gritted our teeth while sweating like meth junkies needing a fix for the remainder of the meeting.

Needless to say the presenter seemed a bit terrified and got that meeting done QUICKLY.

Of course we will never attend another staff meeting without pens to document every time a certain someone expounds upon the greatness that are her children. Keeping an accurate count of these events is the new staff meeting game.

Why I will never live in Haiti

This is why they build rafts made of dead bodies and attempt to float to the United States. Can't say that I blame them.

Words

Vitamins

Disney Sucks

Before I get started I want everyone to know that I am no the least bit racist. I don't judge anyone, except on common sense, and never on their gender or ethnicity. I just don't tick that way. Of course that means I really get pissed when someone goes the racist route and I have to deal with it in one way or another.

Which brings me to . . .

Handy Manny. Manny is an animated handy man on one of the Disney Channel's morning children's shows.

Now Manny is admirable. He is a Mr. Fix it that can repair anything with his trusty tool box
.
This is where my trouble with Manny starts. Many is clearly of Hispanic descent and it is a problem to me that he has talking tools.

You read that correctly. Manny has tools that talk and move on their own. Now in a kid's show that should not be too much of a problem, but for me I see the issue.
Manny is apparently some sort of dope smoking or shroom eating Hispanic handy man who talks to his tools and believes that they talk back. That my friends, reeks of racism in the worst way.

I know a few Hispanics and they are good people. My other problem is with this . . .

This is Mr. Lopart. The only Anglo (this is what we call Whitey in Texas History) on the show is Mr. Lopart. He is pretty much the Anti-Manny.

He is white.
He is stupid.
He refuses to let Manny help him.
Mr. Lopart is a stereotype of the worst sort.

So there you have it. Disney puts out a show about a drug using Hispanic Handy Man who is faced with a Hispanic hating white character on a regular basis.

While stereotypes may make my life easier, it does not mean that they are right. No one should rely on stereotypes, especially the Disney Channel.

An Open Letter

Dearest Dumb ass in the Self Serve Checkout at the Supermarket,

I hate to broach the subject with you now, because I know it is taking all of your limited brain power to try and figure out how to get this piece of robotic hell to scan your cantaloupe. The fact that produce does not have a bar code and YOU need to tell the machine that you have ONE melon to purchase has no impact upon your small mind.

Please, do not fret over the fact that the super market is packed and there are at least six people behind you with one or two items who want to go home NOW, but your befuddlement with this advanced machine and its inability to scan your melon is keeping them standing in a line that does not need to exist.

It would please me to no end if you were some ancient relic who has no grip on any technology more advanced than a sharp stick or a rock, but that is not the case. You appear to be a middle aged moron who is trying to purchase a melon who has more common sense than you do. For once even a half dead old crone with a bottle of wine and hand full of crumpled dollar bills would have made me happier than watching someone who should still have their wits about them.

Do not worry though, because you are not alone in your stupidity and dim wittedness. For after you finally grow frustrated, toss the melon aside, and storm out while cursing "that damned stupid machine" your cohort in ignorance steps up four people later to prove that intelligence in our species is indeed wavering.

Yes, I speak of the shopper directly in front of me who cursed you under her breath while you battled the machine with your melon and then when it came her turn, she rang up her soft drinks and candy bar, then paid a $4.06 bill with a CHECK.

The line behind her rivaled that behind you and she paid with a CHECK. Not a debit card. Not a credit card. Not cash, but a hand written CHECK which took five minutes to write and verify (complete with driver's license) and then was handed back to her by the self check attendant.

TWO morons of the worst sort managed to back up the fastest check out lines in the store during the busiest time of the day.

I hope you two are happy. I hate you and those self centered people like you. I hope that you develop an overwhelming fear of supermarkets and leaving your house. I hope I never have to stand in line behind you ever again, because if I do, I won't stop the guy with the twelve pack of beer from bashing your skull in next time.

Sincerely,

Doom Cake

Firefox Fun

As a dedicated Firefox user I some times (very rarely) run across extensions that I really like. So rather than bore you with something funny and profane, I figured that sharing these with you would give you a break from my type of insanity.


Morning Coffee - I love this damned thing. I programed in all the blogs I read and when I hit the Morning Coffee button they all pop open in different tabs. OH I love it.

Colorful Tabs - No other reason to like this one other than it makes Firefox look so PURDY.

Clear Cache Button - Yep. No more getting busted reading Mike's Blog by the missus. Clears things up in a single click.

TimeTracker - For when the missus yells at me for being on the net all day, I can cut her off with "I have only been on this time for sixteen hours."

So take a look and enjoy.
I will be licking cane toads in order to keep the voices in my head under control.

Separated at Birth?

Tina Fey	Sarah Palin

It makes me wonder. It really does.
Has some horrible, yet terribly funny prank been pulled on the Republitards?
If it is a prank, Tina Fey is going to be even hotter than before.

I have heard rumors that Palin is a toss away candidate. She looks good, but has too much baggage so the Republitards get credit for trying, but she either resigns or gets composted by the party.

Either way, I am finally able to realistically dream about my Tina Fey sandwich of love, with me as the meat. Who would have ever thought that there could be two of them?

So is Palin really Fey in disguise? A long lost twin separated at birth? A doom cake fantasy gone wild?

See my dilemma? Fey? Palin? Should I care?

Doom Cake: The Processed Meat Edition

I love a good hot dog. I really love a good hot dog. I grew up eating the damn things by the ton. You can boil the bastards, cook them on the grill, you can even ram a stick into them and roast them over an open flame.

The other day I read about this commercial. I tried to put it behind me, but the more I tried to let it go quietly into the empty space that is my mind, the more it just started to burn my ass.

It is one thing to conduct decades of scientific studies to prove that processed meats cause colon cancer, but to take a single study and use it to create a 33 second piece of vegan propaganda to scare the shit out of small children is heartless.

The only thing that could have made this a worse commercial than it already is would be if it was sponsored by ShrubCo and his side kick Darth Chaney and they told you that terrorists wanted you to eat hot dogs so that you would die from colon cancer. Believe me I know the pro-vegetarian (ass wipes) who sponsored this commercial probably have the terrorist version ready to run once they smash us in the face with this version a few dozen times.

What makes me proud is that I don't think they actually ran this piece of food fear mongering in my state. I don't think that "hot dogs cause ass cancer in small children" is going to over very well in a state where the mighty Oprah got sued for talking shit about the evils of beef.

I don't know where I am going with this, but it sure does suck that people would try and scare children like this. All I want to do is find out the address for these folks and send them a case of Spam.