It is done

I spent a total of 31 minutes and 18 seconds in line and voting tonight. My vote is cast, at least in half the elections in my county. The other half had incumbents running with no opposition and I do not vote for the bastards just because they are the only name on the ballot for the post.

Now all I have to do is wait it out till next Tuesday night.

I know I did the right thing.
I just hope others do too.

The most honest question I have asked myself is if I am better off than I was eight years ago, and the answer is a resounding "NO."

My salary had gone up, but the ability of my salary to support my family has dwindled. This is sucks. We should be comfortable, not scrounging at times like we do.

So there is my rant.
I have done my duty.
I had a beer to celebrate.

Now for the waiting.

Elections that Sucked

Just so Americans do not get too worked up next week if there is a HUGE election scandal, marshal law, and general bad craziness all around. I am warning you here and now that elections in the U.S. have never been fair or predictable.

Election of 1800

Here we have the first humdinger of an election. Thomas Jefferson was slugging it out with Little John Adams and it was nasty. This was only the fourth election in American history and it went shitty fast.

Jefferson had chosen Aaron Burr (probably a long lost relative of Karl Rove) as his running mate. The fix was in and the die was cast. The rules were also different back then. Presidents got the most votes and the person who got the second largest amount of votes was the VP. It did not matter if they were from different parties, that was the rule.

The real crazy fun started when Burr and Jefferson (running mates) had the exact same number of electoral votes. Google "electoral college" for real fun. Yeah, you read that right. The President tied with his Vice President when all was said in done on the voting end. Talk about a shit storm. Since the Constitution was new and there was no Republican party to screw things up, the decision was tossed to the House of Representatives. It took a week and 36 votes in the House before Jefferson finally got the nod. This election was so poorly managed that it actually caused the 12th Amendment to our Constitution to be passed.

Election of 1824

Andrew Jackson versus John Quincy Adams was the second wing-dinger in American History. Notice how the father and son team of Adams-Adams keeps popping up in fouled up elections?

To make a long story short, Jackson wins the popular vote as far as anyone can tell and gets the most electoral votes. Bad news is that he does not get a MAJORITY of electoral votes. OOPS. They like ya, but they do not get to chose ya.

So once again, the election is tossed to the House of Representatives to decide. Guess what? One of the other candidates (Henry Clay) swings the vote in the House to Adams. Then Adams appoints Clay to the post of Secretary of State. In those days that meant a)Jackson got screwed and b)Adams decided that Clay needed to be the NEXT president.

I am surprised their was not any bloodshed over this one. Of course I love Clay's quote about Jackson, “I cannot believe that killing 2,500 Englishmen at New Orleans
qualifies for the various, difficult, and complicated duties of the
Chief Magistracy.”

Talk about telling someone that they lack the necessary experience.

Election of 2000

Do I even need to recap this little piece of political vomit? Is it not fresh enough in our memories to make us want to projectile puke pizza out of our gullets?

At least this time the Supreme Court stepped in and did the king making.

Election of 2008:

All I can say is be afraid. Be very afraid. Unless Obama can crush the republitards with a landslide that would have given even Ronald Reagan a woody, it is going to get ugly, expensive, and extremely crazy really fast.

My advice is do not be surprised and make sure you have enough booze and bullets on hand for when they come to take you away in unmarked trucks.

You have been warned.

The Garden Again

Here it is a week a before the election and I am going to talk about my garden. There is a reason for that and it does revolve around the fact that the garden lowers my blood pressure and the election makes me want to go on a killing rampage with a blunt object. If you ever wonder why I person would walk into a mall and start shooting people, just spend ten minutes watching election coverage on your local news. If the urge to kill large numbers of dumb people does not hit you, then you are pretty much a pre-made victim.

So, onto the garden.
It is the last week of October and I am still bringing cukes as shown above. At least three of the big monsters every three or four days. They are a greenhouse variety so they are supposed to be big and tasty. Guess what? They are. These are probably the best slicing cucumbers I have ever tasted.

If the frost holds off a few more weeks I am going to add two or three butternut squashes to the harvest and probably a bunch more paprika peppers and cayennes as well. This has been an okay garden season, but I am ready to ramp down production, till the damn thing, and get it all ready for my spring planting.

Next year things are changing in the garden. I will announce somethings later, but I do plan on planting earlier and having two growing seasons. That way I can take July off and not try and water during the freakishly hot summer we have here.

So screw the election for now.
I am in the garden.

Notes to Myself

A little something for the substitute

What Happens in School Stays in School

Student 1: "Do you want us to be creative?

Me: "I am here to stiffle and crush your creativity. I want facts and knowledge. Creativity is for art class."

Student 2: "He is so wrong, but he really told you how it is."

_________________________________________________________

Student:"You need to get some more Mexicans in this class, I am lonely."

Me (pointing at another student): "He is a Mexican. Not much of one, but a tiny Mexican is better than none."

_________________________________________________________

Student (complaining about his seat): "I have a problem with me sitting here."

Me: "Would you prefer to have a problem with me?"

Student: "No"

_________________________________________________________

Me: "Stop whining. There is NO whining in the 8th grade."

Student:"You are so mean."

Me: "And the problem with that is what?"

Student: "Nothing."

_________________________________________________________

Student: "I think I am getting the chickenpox. SERIOUSLY"

Me: "No one has ever died from the chickenpox. Sit DOWN."

Student: "Can I go to the nurse after I do my work?"

Me: "I can't promise that. You might not be alive by then."

_________________________________________________________

And this is ALL true. Some days I am not just very nice.

House Keeping

I just wanted to start today off by responding to some things that have cropped up in the comments lately. I usually reply there, but I wanted to get some things out in the open because they need to be seen.

Patrick - Very sorry if I offended you over the "Troops to Teachers" comments. I have no (NONE) problems with vets becoming teachers. I work with many fine teachers now who are veterans and they are great people and educators. In fact, one thing I really like about my district is our ROTC program that runs grades 7-12 and relies upon retired veterans to run the program. It is a huge benefit to our district and our students. My issue is with the idea that anyone coming from straight from the military, civilian life, or any career outside of teaching can simpley jump into a classroom and generate success. In Texas we have an alternative certifcation program that pretty much side steps teacher training and puts people from the 'real world' into the classroom. At this point I have seen far more failure than success in this program. The only up side to it that I know of is the teachers that survive more than two years from this program tend to be pretty damn good teachers, but the problem is so few of them get to that point.

I also take offense at any politician who dares consider the fact that teachers have to be trained, tested, and certified to be outrageous needs to put his kids in public school for a few years. I think that would end some of this crap talk that they shoot out. I will still kick McCain in the nutsack over his remarks if I ever meet him.

Andy - to paraphrase "A Scottish vegan walks into a Muslim butcher shop to buy some bacon . . ." there is a joke there just waiting to happen. Really, that is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I still stick by "bacon for world peace" and I still dream of "bacon wrapped bacon" being a menu of a fine dining establishment some day.

Richard Cooey - Good try buddy. "I am too fat for lethal injection" is a great way to try and dodge what you have coming. Too bad even Ohio didn't fall for your crap.

Now that I have done the good thing and been kind and loving I have to say something different;

NUGGET

Okay, I got that out of my system. The other good news is that two days into Early voting here in Texas and Houston has seen double the number of early voters from the 2004 election. If nothing else happens I will dance a huge dance of happiness if there is a HUGE voter turn out. The only way to take the power back to the people is to vote. Not some of us, but ALL of us who can, need to drop the beer and go vote.

Vote early.

Vote often

Vote proud

Notes to Myself

Notes to Myself

Friday

It is just a few weeks before the election and I am ready to sit down and have a good glass of whiskey. I am a bit sad since this is the first presidential election I have ever suffered through without the wit and wisdom of the Good Dr. Thompson to guide me.

The man called it as he saw it and he warned us that shrubco was evil and corrupt and warned that we were the Generation of Doom.

Next Monday marks the opening of early voting here in Texas. I plan to be there and get the job done quickly. My only issue will be just which button to push. My soul screams for me to vote my conscience which would mean one of the indepedents, but there is the rational part of me that knows that voting for Obama is voting against the republitards and their rape of my country.

There in not one part of my make up that thinks voting this way is right. Having no choice other than a revenge vote is just wrong on so many levels, but I have to consider what is worse; doing the right thing and giving the evil swine rapists a shot at four more years or choosing the less evil of the two corrupt candidates and making sure we at least have a long shot at reform.

Any bets on which way I am leaning?
I hate shrubco and the republitards with all my soul. I do not trust the demotards any more than the republitards, but at least they have not had their chance to rape and pillage yet.

Maybe a few drinks before pushing the button will make me feel a bit better about what has to be done. At least it will give me hope for public executions of every member of the republitard party when the new administration is sworn in.

Boy, am I PISSED OFF

I have been trying to stay away from politics here. REALLY. Then the missus went and made me watch the debate last night.

I know it was not a real debate, but what else do I call it? A flying swarm of verbal shit?
A vicious assault by babbling crack monkeys?

Anyway, I am pissed. I am so pissed off (and I have not cooled down one degree since last night) that if I EVER see John McCain in person I am going kick him directly in his tiny, dust filled nut sack. I am going to kick him so hard in his nasty little old geezer nut bag that his grand children's eyes will roll back in their heads and they will start speaking in tongues.

You all read that correctly. I am going to kick Mr. "American Hero" so hard in his ball bag that his grand children will see the face of God.

Why?

This little statement from last night is why: "We need to encourage programs such as Teach for America and Troops to Teachers where people, after having served in the military, can go right to teaching and not have to take these examinations which -- or have the certification that some are required in some states."

No offense to veterans, but it is utter crap and insane bullshit to think that a 25 year old ex-marine who only has a high school education is going to be equipped to deliver a quality education to ANYONE's child. McCain is so utterly fucked on this that he needs to be flogged on the floor of the Senate.

Guess what "SENATOR HERO," I do not think there is a single state (there are 50 you know) that does not require teacher testing and certification. NONE. So you are worse than stupid to go on television and act a handful of hateful backwater states demand that you actually certify teachers. In MY state you have re-certify every five years.

You also need to pull your head out of shrub's ass because you also make no sense when you claim that "No Child Left Behind" needs to be renewed. Guess what? YOUR president's education bill that YOU want to renew forces ALL schools to hire and use HIGH QUALIFIED TEACHERS. According to "NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND" that means that you must have a 4 year degree in the subject that you teach, otherwise a school can not hire you.

I really wonder how those brave soldiers who are putting their asses on the line in the Iraq are going to get enough time to get a degree in physics, mathematics, or even history while they are over there trying to survive? I have a strange idea that not getting killed by insurgents or blown up by IED"s is the daily drill there, not learning how to teach kids quadratic equations.

So Mr. John, please stop insulting teachers, soldiers, parents, and students with your insane republitard rantings. Here is a hearty "FUCK YOU" to you and all the fucktards that drink your brand of cool aid. Piss off old man, your time has come and gone.

Oh yeah one more thing from last night:

McCain: " I am not President Bush."

No you may not be, but you have his rancid stink upon you and there are stains in the crotch of your pants where you have dry humped his leg for the last eight years. The stains may go away, the stink of being his dry hump bitch will never wash off you dried up sack of nut lint.

Happy Columbus Day

This is Chris. He may or may not be Italian. Rumor has it that he was a)Jewish b)Spanish Nobility c) a total dupe. Either way, Chris has been getting a bad rap these last few decades.

I call total bullshit on those that call him a 'homicidal maniac" or "genocidal monster." Why don't all you revisionist turds go fuck yourselves.

Take a gander at his journal for yourselves. He was no where near the monster that folks want to portray him as today. If anything, his Spanish bosses deserve the really bad rap for being the greedy oppressors that they were. I don't see how Cortez's rape of the Aztecs is his fault either.

So for those of you who hate Chris, once again, go fuck yourselves. If he had not shown up when he did, then it would have been some other Eurotrash that got here "first" and really put on a "rape and pillage" circus of the worst sort.

If you take a good long look at the "First" Europeans to visit the New World, then the truth really comes out. Seems like those friendly vikings who got here 'first' had some issues with the natives.

What?
Columbus was not the first European to show up? He was not the first European oppressor to start shit with the natives?

One last time to all you negative thinkers. Please go kill yourselves. Chris was lucky enough to make it here and if he hadn't some other piece of trash would have. Give the man a break. He needs it.

Notes to Myself

Notes to Myself

Which Flavor Do You Prefer?

I have tried to avoid political discussions here, mainly because others do it so much better than I do. I even try and avoid it at home because all it does is get my blood pressure elevated and make me want to start killing my neighbors. Of course the missus (bless her heart) is all into this election. I can not blame her, but she will watch election coverage 24/7 if her schedule allows. After years of being a political junkie myself, there is only so much more of this total bucket of crap that I can take.

Despite being fairly well educated, this election grates on my like a cheese grater against my scrotum. Yeah, not a very good visual is it?

See, I know not so deep down in my heart that both of the candidates are lying scumbags. Now, I have my preferences, but it does not stop me from realizing the truth and the truth is that if you put both of the candidates in a dark room you could not tell them apart. They both stink of lies and corruption.

I know some of you are starting to get tired of all my negative vibes, but it is the best I can do. I would rather vote for Prince Fielder for President than either of the two choices we have because in reality, there is no choice.

Lying Big Party Candidate #1 or Lying Big Party Candidate #2.

Both are going to tighten the screws on the middle class and all we do is bob our heads up and down and smile like crack heads.


Let show you a visual

.

This is a five gallon bucket of shit. It smells like Satan's ass and makes you want to projectile vomit.

This is a conservative five gallon bucket of shit. It promises to protect you from terrorists and other unnamed threats. It is a maverick and a reformer. It smells like Satan's ass and makes you want to projectile vomit.

This is a liberal five gallon bucket of shit. It promises reform, health care, and is much nicer than the conservative five gallon bucket of shit. It promises a bright future and change. It smells like Satan's ass and makes you want to projectile vomit.

See the difference? I do not. I really do not.

My problem is that I can not refuse to vote. I have to vote. If I do not vote then I am no better than a five gallon bucket of shit.

So my question to everyone else is, which flavor of shit do you prefer?
Do you prefer it shaken or stirred?

Be Afraid, VERY AFRAID

I want you to take a good long look at this picture. Can you see the two ears that look like satellite dishes attached to the sides of the driver's head? I am pretty sure that they were lined with tin foil so that he could receive broadcasts from the Alzheimer's satellite in orbit that sends out random messages to shit heads like him.

Can you see the crusty old geezer sitting in the driver's seat not giving a shit about anything but the intense pain in his giant swollen geezer prostate?
Can you see the steam in the picture? The steam that is boiling up in my tiny black heart and shooting out of my ears as I follow this worthless sack of wrinkled crap down the road?

Now I do not dislike old people in general, but this son of a bitch was making my morning nearly impossible. I was forced to follow behind him while he went at a full tilt boogie of about 15 miles per hour. Yes, you read that correctly. Gramps was obviously using his ears to get some special message beamed in from outer space today because he was only driving 15 miles per hour.

I could not get around him because most of my trip is on two lane roads and the oncoming traffic was too heavy. I COULD NOT PASS GRANDPA DEATH and he did not give a shit.

Now I drive slowly on occasion, but when the sign says 55 MPH, it means put the petal down old wrinkled fucktard and get with it. Like I said before, I do not mind old people, but this guy was giving seniors a bad reputation today.

I could have parked my car on the shoulder, walked up to this guy, and shot him in the head, all while he was still driving. I would not have even broken a sweat either. That was how slow he was driving. I will not even go into the right turn blinker that stayed on for over three miles when there was no possibility of a right turn, unless of course he was trying to kill himself by driving SLOWLY into a large tree.

I do not usually mind being late to work, but to be late because of this rotting bag of ripe intestines was too much. He should be thankful that I have not gotten that concealed handgun permit yet. I am pretty sure I could have made a good case for self defense after I put about 3o rounds into his slow driving ass.

Fighten THE OIL MAN one bottle at a time

When the Hurricane messes up my scheduled trip to the recycling center, this is what the back of the blue beast looks line when I finally make my delivery there. It is just the way to top off a long day of work that leaves my car smelling like old beer and sour milk. That is just the way I like it.

Now every time I drop of my recycling, I feel a bit guilty when the beer bottles come out.

Now please remember. This Hurricane beer. I only drank it during the 13 days of no power that stretched my sanity to the limit. I promise. I also did not drink all of it alone. I promise.

Of course every time I pull out my own bottles and the guilt hits me, I feel much better once I go to dump them and realize that I am not alone.

A whole freakin dumpster full of beer bottles really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Of course dropping all our plastic, glass, and aluminum at the recycling center also makes me feel empowered. I am not sure how, but last thing I drop off there is a kick in the balls to shrubCo and all of his evil little minions.

So here is one more kick to soft parts of our soon to be EXpresident and his evil hoard of swine.
I hope he likes a size 10.5 shoe in the nut sack.

College Week: Part 1

This week at work we are supposed to wear our college tee-shirts and share our college experiences with our students. The goal is to provide some insight for the kids as to what college has to offer and how it can profoundly affect your life.

At lunch today one of my coworkers was a bit upset because apparently none of the teachers are telling the kids about college. I laughed because there is nothing I can tell my student's that will not land me in jail or the insane asylum.

Really.
How do you think 8th graders are going to respond to my college experiences?
Let's see what comes to mind;

• Do not drink too much whiskey. It only leads to violence, hang-overs, and sometimes it causes you to be allergic to direct sunlight.

• Do not doubt the mad skills of the hot girl who everyone refers to as "the crushed ice queen."

• Girls who do not wear panties are bad for your study habits.

• Beer is not the only food group that matters.

• Beer boxes do not make your head immune to blunt force trauma.

• Making your best friend drink straight vodka for an hour because he showed up late to the quarters game is not a way to improve his self esteem.

And my friends, those are the lessons I learned in the first 48 hours of college. The next four and one half years were a blur of booze, women, and professors who attempted to straighten me out.

The fact that I graduated at all, let alone with all of my limbs intact and no felony convictions on my record is a miracle. I am dead serious about the felony part too. It is one thing to spend your time drunk, but to spend your time drunk and convinced that doing bad things is not only fun, but necessary, usually leads to a long stay in the state pen.

So at this point I will NOT be sharing my college experiences with my students. It just is not the right thing to do.

The end times are upon us

I was going to gloat, but then I realize that as much as $ 3.16 a gallon gas make me tingle in my dangles, it just is not right.

I am holding out on my hateful gloating "I got gas way cheaper than everyone else" jig till I see the return of seventy five cents a gallon gas.

Yes, I remember those days.
I would probably suffer a fatal fuelgasm, stroke out, and die right there at the pump if I ever saw $ .75 a gallon gas again.

At least I would die happy in a puddle of cheap gasoline.

Notes to Myself

Notes to Myself

I will cure world hunger with my foot in your ass

Last night I am hitting the old Taco Hell drive thru for the missus. I order up a beef and potato burrito and a Mexican pizza. Some how the whole idea of a "potato" burrito and a "Mexican" pizza is rather bizarre to me, but what the missus wants, she gets. Even at 10 pm.

As I pull up to the drive through, the dofus tells me my total and I hand over an old fashioned five dollar bill. As he gets me change ready, he leans out the window and asks me if I want to "Donate a dollar to stop world hunger?"

I am stunned at his audacity, but I still reply calmly.
"NO."

The worthless little wage slave made a face at me.

I shit you not when I tell you that he screwed his face up like I had farted so hienously that glass in the drive thru was melting.

"You are the first person to tell me no today."

Oh dear God. I thought I was going to have to pull this little son of bitch out of the drive thru and kick his ass right there in the parking lot. Part of me wanted to drop a good old fashioned "Listen up you little son of a bitch" on him, but I didn't.

Instead, I looked him in the eyes and told him "I won't be the last."

I am pretty sure that he shit himself at that point. He had the look of someone who has lost control of their bowels in a serious social situation and has no way of explaining the six pounds of liquid shit that is pooling around their feet.

I took my food from him as he stood there staring at me as if I had just threatened to rip his eyes out and skull fuck him. Part of me wanted to spit on him as I drove off, but I kept it check.

I go to Taco Bell for food, not for political or social comentary about the sad state of the third world. If Taco Bell wants to end world hunger, build a freakin Taco Bell in Somalia and only accept bags of sand for payment. Don't try and but the cobosh on my rampant first world consumerism when I order a burrito.

OH yeah. If you keep making faces like that, someday your face will freeze that way.

Thursday Sucks

I might as well get this shit out of me before it boils over into something serious, like axe murdering the entire staff of a local gas station.

It was not enough that my classes were pure hell today and it took every ounce of self control not to sharpen a metal table leg so that I could stab them all through the brain.

Yeah, it was one of those kind of days.

So to top it off someone emails me and gripes about the link color on the blog. I figured they were just sniffing too much glue until I went to my blog and saw that the link colors are all screwed up and I can not seem to change them.

I know how, but the changes don't seem to take.

So here I am having a shit eating day and then ass hats at Blogger add to my grower inner rage.
Right now, I could kill a whole lot of small fuzzy animals without any remorse.

Now all I have to do is survive the rest of my day.
I sure hope it does not negatively impact my performance when I tear apart my coworker's computer here in a few minutes.