Bacon Wisdom

If Real Life Had a Warning Label

Cocaine for Everyone

 

Red Bull Cola tastes like sour monkey ass. I vetoed this stuff as a staple in the Stomach Of Doom Cake a long time ago. Why waste time on it when Red Bull the original gives me all I need without the shitty monkey ass cola taste?

Here is why!

Wonder how much of this shit I would have to drink to get a cocaine buzz? Probably a shit load and my breath would stink like monkey ass for years. Still, it makes you think does it not?

Better stock up on this crap just to be safe. Until they announce measurable amounts of Meth in regular Red Bull this may be as close as I ever get to illegal drug use.

Or it could just be a big scam to get stupid people like me to buy up the remaining cans of this crap before they stop making it.

How about a High Five for Jesus?

 

Despite the difficult standards around here for being counted among my true friends, there are some sure fire ways to get on that list quickly and easily. One is to bring me my own personal Jesus and Moses action figures. 

Things like this bring a small, dry tear to my eyes and make my little black heart beat just a bit faster because I know they are done out of friendship, respect, and some twisted sense of humor that rivals my own for strangeness.

Heck, my Jesus action figure even has wheels for a special "gliding action" as it rolls divinely across table tops.  Talk about attention to details.  

So let me start off with a big shout out to LadyBug. You know who you are and you make me laugh all the way down in the bottom of my broken black heart. Especially when the Jesus with the Gliding action is not enough and you send me the link to the Jesus Action figure with the glow in the dark miracle hands.

Of course I have discovered there are some things that you should not do with your Jesus and Moses Action figures, such as;

1.) Tell the missus "to stop screaming because the roach is dead, but let me get my Jesus Action figure and see if I can bring it back to life."

2.) Tell your 3.5 year old that "Moses pimp slapped Pharaoh because God told him to."

3.) Tell the missus to ask the priest for the pope's phone number "just in case the Jesus Action figure starts to cry tears of blood."

4.) Try and get Moses to part the water in the bath tub by yelling "Come on Big Moses, this tub ain't nothin compared to the Red Sea."

Around here that gets your new toys taken away for a couple of weeks. I learned to shut up because I am plotting to have some real fun with Jesus and Moses. Just wait....

Wasting Time

Brand Envy

Pull Over BEOTCH

Lets start this morning off by explaining to the dumbass that cut me off what a YIELD sign means. It means YOU slow down and  YIELD the right of way to ME. It does not mean punch the fucking gas pedal so you can zoom out and cut me off like some sort of crack fiend in need of fix. That move right there was enough to get you run off the road, pulled out of your car, and serious citizen's beat down put on  you. It not only sucked, but it was stupid and dangerous.

This is an ambulance. When it comes at you at breakneck speed with lights flashing and sirens wailing, it is time to PULL OVER ON THE SHOULDER AND STOP. Is there any person alive who does not know the drill? Apparently the stupid douche bag who cut me off at the yield sign had no clue.

As the ambulance roared up behind us, I pulled onto the shoulder, slowed down, and stopped. Dumb-ass who cut me off signaled a left hand lane change and tried to cut off the fucking ambulance.
Did I say the lights were flashing and they were riding the sirens as if they had Satan himself was chasing them?  It could be no more obvious that they were in emergency mode and everyone should get the hell out of the way.

SHE SIGNALED A LEFT HAND LANE CHANGE and tried to cut off the ambulance!!!!!

Sweet Jesus on a  meth bender. This driver was a complete shit hook. I do not care that it was a female. I have seen males do it too. What bugs me was that if it was me in the ambulance I would be screaming at the driver to "RUN THAT DUMB-ASS DOWN AND GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL."

So I arrived at work PISSED OFF. I let the world down by not forcing that lady off the road and beating her to death. The only thought that keeps me going is that some day she will find herself in an ambulance fighting for her life while some equally stupid person cuts if off and delays her arrival at the hospital just long enough for justice to be served.

One Reason Batman Rules

This is Batman. THE COOLEST superhero of all time. I will not go into all the reasons why, but just to let you know, Superman is a puss compared to Batman.

This is one of the reasons that Batman is so damn cool, it is his utility belt. The man carries everything he needs on his belt because it allows quick access and I doubt he has pockets in his kick ass costume. If you made fun of Batman because of his utility belt he would kick your ass.

I am jealous of Batman due to several reasons, but one of the big ones is his utility belt. I have pockets and as a Man I jam them full.

This is my base pocket load on any given day. If you are a man you understand and if you are a woman, ask a man, he will try and explain it. It is a ton of shit and the big reason I wish I had a utility belt.

Of course a big, black, armored suit would help too, as would the ability to put the righteous beat down on evil doers and folks who gave me shit about my utility belt.  Take at look at your local law enforcement officer. They carry a type of utility belt. It is nowhere near as cool as Batman's, but it works. I bet cops do not get shit for their utility belts either.

So ladies, father's day is coming. Get your man a utility belt. Make sure it has a bottle opener. Tell him he looks cool and sexy in nothing but his utility belt. That will score you some serious credit with your man. Trust me

Just One of Those Days

On days like today I feel like all I need is fifty pounds of high quality axle grease, six monkeys, a bottle of bourbon and some road flares. Do not ask me to explain because I can not. Lets just leave it at that.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Common Sense

Bad Things In My Head

Lock Your Doors: A Morality Play

One morning this week, I received a phone call from my neighbor. Answering the phone at 3:30 a.m. is not high on my list of good things to happen, but I figured someone needed an ass chewing, so I answered.

My neighbor informed me that some punk assed little bitches (my words) had been breaking into unlocked cars during the night and the sheriff's department had caught them down the street. She thought I should wander down because she had seen what looked like my credit card in the pile of stolen loot. 

First off, I realized that I had probably not locked the blue beast that night, which I rarely forget to do, but I was confused about the credit card thing. My wallet was inside and the only card I owned was in it or else I was in deep shit.

So 3:30 a.m. and I am barefoot and walking down the street chatting with one of the sheriff's deputies who had arrested the vile scumbags who  had been on the prowl and none to happy about it. Once I got the morons' truck I realized that they had found an old expired debit card of mine in the blue beast and my ipod convertor that lets me listen to the evil pod machine through my radio. 

I was pissed for a lot of reason. I knew to lock the car, but damned well forgot. I do not like people touching my shit and digging through my consol to find an ancient debit card I had no clue was even there and stealing my ipod device is touching my stuff in a bad way. 

So, by 4:00 a.m. or so I have filled out the paperwork the deputies provided, reclaimed my goods, pressed charges against the scumbag that violated my right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and was getting ready to head back to the house when the officer who had been helping me fill out the paperwork asked "What is your job?"
I was about to get all "NONE YA FUCKING BUSINESS" on him, but he seemed like a nice man, I fessed up; "I am a teacher." 

The deputy grinned from ear to ear and laughed. That is the kind of reaction I am used to so I leaned over and read his name tag. Sure enough, he was one of my former students from almost 13 years ago. 
He kept grinning and told me "Does it surprise you that I amounted to something?"

The boy was a good kid, ran me crazy a few times, but I never figured he would end up in a bad way. I let him know that I was proud of him and glad he was doing something good with himself.  He shook his head and looked at me sadly and said "You don't want to know how many of my classmates I have had to arrest so far."

At that point I really felt for him. Six years on the job and he probably been throwing his old school buddies in jail by the dump truck load. That is life where I teach, but I let him know that he was doing good work. 

Needless to say. I got all my stolen shit back. The perps went to jail (eat shit criminal thief scum), and I had a very pleasant visit with an old student.

On another good note about this little incident that taught me to always lock my car doors is that I was more than happy with the behavior and attitudes of the five or so other deputies who where there that night. They were all very professional, kind, and understanding with me as I stood there pissed off in a horrible rage about this incident. These men and women are what I expect law enforcement to be like and they deserve a big round of applause. 

My county's sheriff's department is the 7th largest in the State of Texas. They have to cover a lot of land and deal with a ton of shit hooks every day and night of their jobs.  Dealing politely with me goes a long way towards improving my view of them and I hope they know that. I do not hate or mistrust the police like sum, but I have had to deal with my share of assholes wearing a badge.

The real kicker of the morning came when one of the deputies told me that he understood me being angry because "there is nothing I hate worse than pedophiles and thieves." I get where he is coming from. 

Here is a big hats off to the Montgomery County Texas Sheriff's Deparment. They are good people.

Strange Habits

I have lived in the same house for something like 6 years now and today it just struck me that I have a very strange little ritual that I go through every morning before I leave for work and it has to do with lowly earth worms.

Being a person that would rip your mother's beating heart of her chest for a case of Redbull and some porno magazines you should realize that I am not the best person. I do not claim to be nor would most people mistake me for someone who cares. Often times you will even hear this sarcastic comment wafting out of my classroom: "It appears that you have mistaken me for someone who cares."  I take sarcasm and lack of emotion to a new level on most days. That is how I am.

So back to the earth worms.

This is my driveway. I realized that several years ago that every morning as I left for work there tends to be at least a few (sometimes 30 or more) earthworms who find themselves stranded on my driveway as the sun comes up. A combination of sunlight, concrete sucking the moisture out of their bodies, and ants tend to turn a huge number of them into worm jerky.

The really strange part is that over the last three or four years I have made a strange habit of walking my driveway before I leave and plucking the survivors off the concrete and tossing them back into the yard so they can burrow their way to a better life. On a good day I save ten or twelve of them and the rest are already jerky or ant food and lost causes.  The ones I save get a little pep talk then a quick flip into the grass as I move down the driveway.

Why do I do it? I have no clue. I have no great love for earth worms and will still use them for fishing bait without hesitation. In some little way I think it is my way of sticking it to the ants and giving the worms a fighting chance. Honestly? I get a huge feeling of satisfaction if I save even one worm per morning. I really cannot explain it beyond that. I save worms. I feel good about my morning. I go on about my business of being an asshole.

Maybe it is a way to get any residual goodness out of my system before the serious work of being a teacher gets done? Maybe it is the reason I am a teacher? I like plucking little creatures from their doom and giving them a chance to survive? I just do not know. No matter what it is I will probably continue to unconsciously scour the driveway every morning for the lucky survivors and then drive off to work without giving it a second thought. 

Breakfast Pie

One thing I really  like about the missus is that she knows how to keep me happy with food. The lady pops open her cookbooks and whips out some absolutely heavenly dishes. She is the person who taught me to put strips of bacon on top of my meatloaf. ON TOP! She even found a recipe that has bacon in the meatloaf. Bacon on top and Bacon in the middle. This is a woman to be loved and respected.

This is a picture of last night's dinner. There is no way to describe it other than with the simple phrase "Breakfast Pie."  It is something that came to me as I stared in loving delight at it as it sat on the stove cooling. Once my 3.5 year old daughter heard it was breakfast pie, she was almost as happy as I was. Everyone wants pie for breakfast and people like me have no issues with Breakfast Pie for dinner.

Now I know that you are thinking "what is the big deal? It is just a damned quiche." Well guess what folks, this is Texas. We do not eat quiche. That is for french poofs and they are not allowed here. Quiche makes your man sack drop off. This my friends is Breakfast Pie. Breakfast Pie makes your man stones grow large and your girly parts tingle. Trust me on this.

Let me tell you a little about Breakfast Pie. First off, it uses biscuit dough for a crust. Mmmmmmmmm, biscuits.  Secondly, the interior is a mixture of fresh onions, eggs, venison breakfast sausage, and feta cheese.  Tell me what french poof would put VENISON sausage in quiche? None. Venison breakfast sausage is American. Now the Feta cheese is a bit suspect, but being a fan of the stinky stuff, I can assure you that anything that nasty that the Greeks like is as far from poofy as you can get. In fact, Feta is to Greece as Venision breakfast sausage is to Texas. Both are manly. Both are tasty. Both go in Breakfast Pie.

The best part about Breakfast Pie for dinner is that there is plenty left for breakfast. Son of a bitch. Breakfast Pie for dinner and breakfast is an idea that I can get behind in a big way.

So if you are looking for a tasty dinner and want to do something anti-french, make a Breakfast Pie. I am sure I can provide the recipe upon request.

Bring on the Sin

Not sure I agree, but it is a fun little test.Wonder how the rest of you would do. Be honest with yourself. I wanna know just you full of sin you all are. I think my greed and envy ratings were way too high and sloth was too low.

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Very High
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	High

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

This was nabbed from Waiting for Life to Start . Thanks. 

My Economic Stimulus Plan

You know what you never seem to hear about these days? Ice picks. Good old fashioned ice picks.  How many of you can actually raise your hands and say that you own one? Probably not many. I do not think there is one at my house, but I do know that there is one at my mother's house that has not seen the light of day in over a decade.

So why am I bringing this up? Well, I have been thinking that there are certain things that you never hear about anymore. People get killed by pit bulls, drunk drivers, gun rampages, IED's, and other strange things, but the good old fashioned ice pick seems to be out of favor.

Apparently it used to be quite the utility tool. You could bust up ice with it, kill a rival, or perform a lobotomy with one.  Ice pick was a scary word. The idea of getting killed or maimed with one was pretty horrifying. It is a real primitive screw-head item that new fangled people have no idea how to use. Some times new technology cannot replace good old fashioned shit. This is the case of the ice pick. 

Which brings me back to my point. Every serious person should probably own several ice picks. One for home, one for work, and one for the car. Just imagine all the cool things you can do with one of these things and killing people probably is not in your top ten (it is #1 for me, but then again, you are not me).  So go out and provide some economic stimulus. Buy some ice picks. Sharpen them. Learn how to use them. Turn off the lights and wait for a home invasion. 

Long live the ice pick.

Incentive Plans for the Dumb

Warning to Others

I am Feeling The LOVE Today

See what I found taped outside my door after third period today? Yeah, these kids really love me and they are showing some signs of artistic talent. I do think that the medium (Pencil on Paper towels from the restroom) hindered their creativity a bit, but they tried. Next time they  need to ask me for white paper and colored pencils. I bet this would really grab your eyes if it had color to it.

Best of all, see the tiny students down at the bottom? It is details like that which bring a tear to my tiny little black heart.

Shut up and READ

Nothing good here.
Nothing witty.
I decided to take the night off to read blogs and update my google blog reader thing so I can read you shits on my ipod.

So what the fuck are you still going here?
Go out and read some blogs.
Post some comments.
Make your strange internet pervert friends happy.

That is what I am doing.
Comment on every blog you read tonight. 
Oh yeah, leave at least one curse word in every comment you leave.

Pay the love forward.
There are lonely bloggers out there.

Just a Reminder

 

Just a reminder, with more to come. 

There is ONLY ONE CAPTAIN.

And there is ONLY ONE MAN TO play THE CAPTAIN.

 

Lets hope they do not fuck things up with the new "Star Trek" movie. I am serious about this. I have no problem going to Hollywood and taking a 9 iron to J.J. Abrams noggin. No one screws with THE CAPTAIN. 

Anyone got some second hand golf clubs? I may need a set after Friday. I already have a place to crash in L.A.

I am too old for this

This is the little beast. My riding mower has a flat tire that needs professional attention, so I have been trying to do my body good and push this little critter around my yard.  I have nearly a 1/2 acre to mow (house takes some of that) and I figured that it would be good exercise.

 Now this beast is what my neighbor has in the garage. He has the same 1/2 acre of land that I have and this is what he uses. I do think highly of my neighbor, he is nice guy, but the kid has jet fuel delivered once a week to fuel the damned thing, it takes sticks of dynamite in the cylinders to start, and has something like a 160 inch wide cut deck.  It is a lawn mowing monster.

In the time it takes for me to push that little beast of mine and mow my front yard, my neighbor puts his monster into low gear and mows his whole damn yard. Yes, you read that right. He puts that thing in gear, zips across the lawn, and is back in his garage before I even get the freakin front yard cut.

I know that some of you think I am jealous, but I am not. Yes, I have the urge to drag him off the damned thing and run over him with it, but I am 41 years old, sweating my ass off, and close to death from heat exhaustion when I think thoughts like that. 

One thing is for sure. The tire on my riding mower is getting fixed ASAP. I am not pushing one more inch when I can ride and drink beer in comfort.  It may not be as fast as the thing the neighbor rides, but it gets the job done, and does not bust my ass getting it done.

Some People Should Think Before They Speak

 After watching War criminal and former Secretary of State Condolezza Rice bumble her way through a recent interview where she claimed that Al-Qaeda was worse than the Nazis because they attacked American soil or some such crap, I puked for a few minutes and then got an idea.

Without thinking it through, I wanted to call Rice a moron and go with my gut feelings about the Nazis, but instead I decided to sit down and do a logical comparison of the two groups to see who really was/is the biggest bag of pure evil pig fuckers in recent history. 

So here it is;

Al-Qaeda		Nazis
Live in desert	X	Lived in Germany	X
Fly planes into buildings		Conquered Europe	X
Killed 3000		Killed millions	X
Wish they had nukes		Almost had nukes	X
Leader is a douche bag who lives in a cave		Leader is an insane whacko that lived in an underground bunker	X
Attacked U.S.		Attacked Russia	X
Trains terrorists		Built death camps	X
Stupid and insane		Pure fucking evil	X
Wear stupid ZZ Top beards		Wear fancy uniforms with lots of bling	X

So you can see that the Nazis get 11 x’s versus only one for the Terrorist scumbags of Al-Qaeda.  In my book that makes the Nazis #1 on the all time “EVIL PIG FUCKERS” list. 

Of course in my book the list looks something like this:

1. Nazis/Hitler
2. Hideki Tōjō
3. Stalin
4. Chairman Mao
5. George W. Bush
6. Barney
7. Elmo
8. Al-Qaeda/Osama Bin Laden

Yeah, the terrorist scumbags come in pretty low on my list. Do not get me wrong. They are bad people who deserve a bad end, but to even try and say that they are worse than the Nazis and their taste for poison gas and concentration camps is even too much for me.  I have heard first hand accounts from my uncle about dealing with Nazis. He knew evil when he saw it and he also got to put bullets in quite a few of them. That is the only way to deal with evil.  Calling them names and using them as an excuse to do evil yourself the sign of limited intelligence.

I think Condoleezza Rice makes this point for me. Nuff said.

Good Leadership

To Do List

It Is Done

Today marked the last day of standardized testing here in Texas. For me it was the administration of the 8th Grade History test that ended this long and often frustrating week.  I have been locked in a room with the same 16 students for the last four days. We all feel very special about each other and have had some very open talks this week.

Here are some choice gems that you would have heard coming out of my door over the past couple of days;

Student 1 (to student 2): " I am not a mean and cruel person, but Student 2,  you are someone I could grab and beat the crap out of."

*****************************

Student: "Does the swine flu turn you into a pig?"

Me: "No comment."

********************************

Me: "I will not lie to you, there is no need. I will be honest and tell it to you as it is. Do not expect kindess or understanding, just the truth."

Student: "You are the Simon Cowell of History."
*********************************

Me: (to student 1): "If you do not know what you are talking about, then you should just not talk."

Student 2 (to student 1): "Then he would never get to say anything."
*********************************

Me: "My hope is that you do so well on this test, that I have a  heart attack and die from the surprise."

Student: "Where is the fun in that? We want it to be slow and painful for you."