Friday, July 31, 2009

I am Back

 
I am back from Austin and damn happy to be home. Do not get me wrong. I enjoy Austin. I would not want to live there, but it is a great place to visit.
Well, unless you are staying at the Crowne Plaza hotel.  This evil assed placed boasts of free wifi in all of its rooms on the internet. The truth is does not provide it. At first I thought it was just me and the front desk hated me.

Even after I changed rooms I had better luck getting the wifi from the hotel next door than I did connecting to the Crowne Plaze set up.  The real humor of it all came when I would sit in the lobby and watch guest after guest come to the desk and bitch about the wifi. The excuse was always the same; "There is wifi, but too many people are trying to access it, so there is not enough signal to go around."
Lets just say that there are more than a few people who will probably never be staying at that particular Austin hotel again.
Hell, the place did not even have hard connections for the net either. I brought my cables long just in case, but nothing. No wifi and no ethernet ports.  
So with that rant aside, my top secret government work is done for now and I am back from the net black out that was imposed upon me this week. 

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Alive

I am stuck in Austin on Government business and the cheap assed hotel wifi does not work. The hotel claims their system is overloaded and I know better. So I am in the lobby pissed off, tapping this out and looking like some sort of perv and I need a beer.

More later, but so far this sucks.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Further Proof There Is No God

 
Can you tell what day it is at Casa Doom Cake? Yep, it is Garage Sale day. A special blend of Christmas, Satan's Own Birthday, and an Atomic bomb going off in my house.

Do we also remember how damn much I hate Garage Sale Day?
I hate it in a way that words cannot describe accurately. I do not even know if there are words in  any language to describe how I feel.  Despite all of this, I do know a few things. 
If you want to lure sharks in you chum the water. At a garage sale, you need this;
 
 
Baby Clothes: They are garage sale chum. They lure in garage sale professionals from miles away. They can smell baby clothes and they attack in a frenzy. Just hang them out and they will come.

 
This is old blue, my recliner. He is entering his third garage sale. I have doubts that he will go this time either and a little part of me does not want him to go. Old Blue is where I sleep when I am sick so I do not infect the missus.

I have made a decision to pilfer part of today's profits and use them to buy a giant bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin. I hate gin, but I see no reason not to drink it on garage sale days since I hate them both. Somewhere in my twisted mind Gin and Garage sales belong in the same twisted part of hell.
So wish me luck. I am going to need it. The missus and usually are not on speaking terms by the end of garage sale day. Hell, we are usually not on speaking terms at the beginning of garage sale day.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Things That Make Your Attorney Hang Up On You

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Logic Fails Me

Monday, July 20, 2009

Manners 101

Let the Fun Begin


Doom Cake had gone soft. And not in a way that little blue pills can solve. No, I had lost my way and forgotten that my place in life is to provide that gentle foot in the ass that so many people need.
So what am I up to?
Well, I am polishing my old ass kicking shoes and preparing to put my foot in the ass of those that need it the most, MY CONGRESS PEOPLE!!!
You read that correctly. I am going to begin corresponding with the honorable Kevin Brady, Kay Bailey Hutchins, and John Cornyn
Seems like email would be easy, but I am pretty sure that they just ignore them due to the sheer volume of crap that arrives via the net. So I am going the snail mail route. My first letter is going to ask all three of them what they plan to do to bring former president bush and dick cheney to justice for their crimes of approving the torture of suspected terrorists.
All I have to do is draft a polite letter, maybe tonight...
I am sure I am going to go over like a ton of bricks.

Friday, July 17, 2009

For Just a Few More Like Him

I have worked in television news and I know what it is like to see and hear things that make you want to rip your own  heart out. I remember sitting in a dark control room waiting to go on the air when the first Gulf War broke out and Peter Jennings crapped his pants and barked like a tiny bitch on World News Tonight.

I remember Bernard Shaw hiding under a table in the Baghdad Hilton hoping that the USAF would not shoot a cruise missile up his ass. 

I remember Dan Rather blowing a gasket and walking off the set because a tennis match took too long.

Walter would not have done any of that shit.
He was a "no shitter" all the way around.  I would have walked across red hot coals for the man had I worked with him. Had he taken  a dump in my lunch kit and told me it was for the good of all mankind I would have cried and thanked him.

I doubt the American public will ever get the chance to trust a news person like we trusted Cronkite. We trusted and he never let us down.

Good bye Walter. I sure as hell hope there is good beer and whiskey where you are now.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Let the Fuckery Begin, AGAIN!!!!!


Hello folks. It has been a while. It has actually been nearly a week and there is some hope that I was missed. That maybe one or two of you floundered in your faith, ran in circles barking like dogs, and covering yourselves in butter.
Like most men or at least savages, I went away to the wilderness to cleanse my soul and spend quality time with people I trust in the most careful of ways.  Well, not really the wilderness, just the beach. I was marooned on Padre Island National Sea Shore to be exact and it is a full tilt den of suffering complete with sand, salt water, heat, and a never ending breeze which brought the stench of the sea to my nose. After just a couple of days of this I realized that the beach is probably as close to hell as I can imagine. It was bad. Living in a tent with sand in every crevice of my body and every bite of food that I took. The good news is that I was among friends, had beer and whiskey, and whiled away my time surf fishing. All good things must come to an end and when we chased our only shelter from the sun for a mile down the beach as it blew in the wind like some giant beach ball, we realized that our end was there. We fled the beach and headed back home as fast as we could. My soul was cleansed, my skin was flayed by sun and sand, and I was tired.
But now I am back. I am pretty sure that after my two hour shower I have removed all of the sand and sun screen from my body. While before I left I had floundered in my faith and considered putting a quick and sudden end to Doom Cake, I have changed my mind.
There must be entertainment in the world and perhaps I can return to providing it with more peeks into my twisted little life.  As I have grown fond of saying during my days at the beach, “Let the fuckery begin!”
So I am here. I will continue to be here. I will spread my form of foul and heinous fuckery far and wide. Is it not a relief to have me back?

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Amazing Moments

 
Sometimes I get a very short glimpse into the world of my kids. We were outside yesterday watching butterflies when this one landed right in front of my kids and I. They were all amazed and tickled and luckily I had the camera and sense of mind to snap a pretty damn good picture.

Sometimes life does not get much better than this.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Beware of Children's Television

As most of you know, I have a definite aversion to certain children’s shows on television. My own little evil dirt urchins have a highly limited number of minutes that they are allowed exposure to the square-headed babysitter every day, so I feel like it is my duty to search and expose all the shit that is out there.

Before I get to the list of pure evil crap, let me start with the good.  Actually, let me start  with the great.
Phineas and Ferb – How do I describe this? Probably the best show on television for kids and adults. It is animated and just too fun and intelligent to describe here. I think without Perry the Platypus this might just be an average show, but with him, it stands heads and shoulders above all the crap out there for kids. I watch this show with my kids. I like it that much.


 Now for the freakish and the bad. Shows that I would gladly suffer water boarding to avoid.


 Handy Manny – I think everyone already knows how I feel about this racist show. I have already stated the fact that I have no issue with a highly talented Hispanic Handy Man, but the fact that the only Anglos on the show are a)Moronic shop owner who is humiliated by Handy Manny in every episode and b)Slut who runs the hardware store and sells Manny fare more than “hardware” if you get my meaning. This show is wrong on so many levels.

Secret Agent Oso – This show is so new and mind numbing that Wikipedia does not even have a page to describe it yet. It is evil. A secret agent Panda who does everything in “three simple steps” makes me want to kill pandas. I mean it. Secret Agent Oso is more like “Secret Agent Makes Me Want to Slaughter Cute Pandas.”  Avoid at all costs. Trust me.


Sid the Science Kid – This is the only non-Disney show in the bunch. It is on PBS and created by Jim Hensen’s people. The only problem is that Sid creeps me out. Way out. Just a few seconds of seeing Sid and you will probably never sleep again at night.  I have nightmares of Sid coming to my house and luring my kids away like some evil animated Pied Piper.



And there you have it. The best kids' show on television and three evil pretenders. I am also very grateful that my children like Bugs Bunny, Tom and Jerry, and even Scoobie Doo. The classics cannot be beat. Do not say that I have not warned you.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Questions that need asked

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy 4th Of July

If I could write shit like this, I would not have to blog. I would be rich and have more endorsement deals than Tiger Woods. My students have to read this every year and every now and then I think ALL Americans should take a break and read the reason why we celebrate July 4th. Read it. Enjoy it. Have a beer and blow something up.


IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

Here is the slavery clause that was removed from the final draft:

He [King George III] has waged cruel War against human Nature itself, violating its most Sacred Right of Life & Liberty in the Persons of a distant People who never offended him, captivating & carrying them into Slavery in another Hemisphere, or to incur miserable death in their Transportation thither. This piratical Warfare, the opprobrium of infidel Powers, is the Warfare of the Christian King of Great Britain. He has prostituted his Negative for Suppressing every legislative Attempt to prohibit or to restrain this execrable Commerce, determining to keep open a market where MEN should be bought & sold, and that this Assemblage of Horrors might want no Fact of distinguished Die, he is now exciting those very People to rise in Arms among us, and to purchase that Liberty of which he has deprived them, by murdering the people upon whom he also obtruded them; thus paying off former Crimes committed against the Liberties of one People, with Crimes which he urges them to commit against the lives of another.


Friday, July 03, 2009

Some things are just too good

I hate to gloat. Well, let me rephrase that. Sometimes you just have to gloat. Seems like Palin is quitting. She is giving up on the people of Alaska and running like a hunted animal. Kinda like a wolf being hunted from a helicopter if you ask me.

I doubt that we will ever know why, but no matter what she is at least out of politics for a moment or two.  There is part of me that hopes she crawls back into her conservative cabin and does web porn, but there is also a part of me that she has something more nefarious and evil planned.

No matter what is it one more conservative screw-head down and out of politics, even if it is only for a matter of days, weeks, or months. Lets hope that the good People of Alaska can breathe easier and hold their heads up high now that she is gone.

Believe me, I know the feeling. It  is like taking the giant Rolaid. I had it for five seconds after Shrub stopped being governor of Texas. Of course then he became president and I had to wait eight long years to get that loving feeling back.  There are a lot of folks in Alaska who know what I am talking about.

So long Sarah. Think about the web porn stuff. It might do wonders for your career.

But it is a humid, soul crushing kind of heat....

This is the little beast. At this point I am pretty sure it is at least 15 years old and maybe even pushing 20 if I know my stuff correctly.  Ever since the big riding beast died about a month ago, this little machine has become my first line for keeping the yard in shape.

It takes me about 45 minutes to push this beauty at a decent pace and cut my front yard and both sides of my yard.  It takes an additional 25 minutes to push till the backyard is cut to my satisfaction. I also have a hard time holding a beer and pushing, which is one reason why I prefer a riding mower.

 
Once I am done mowing it takes another 15 minutes to edge and use the trimmer to get things all nice and neat looking in the yard.  
The reason I bring all this up is because I have been doing all this in 95 F + for the last month and now I sneer at all the weaklings who need to go to the gym to get their work out in.  Try this you little gym rats. Push this stuff for over an hour straight in 100 F temps and see how well you do. I call this the Doom Cake Summer Work out. It will either burst your heart or burn your soul right out of your body.  
Oh yeah, did I mention it is mowing day? 
I gotta whip out the old home gym and get to work.  
Lets hope I survive this one.  
At least I am getting into great damn shape. 
Long live the yard!!!!!

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Sports Medicine: A Photo Essay

Yesterday I hiked between 8 and 11 miles carrying my backpack. Lets call it about 15 pounds of water, food, and other items. It is just something I do. I like it outside.  About an hour and half into what turned into a five hour hike, I pulled something in my hip. Nasty thing. Hurt like hell. Had to keep walking.

Today on the advice of my lizard brain, I am rehabing what ever I pulled in my right hip. This is a photo essay explaining today's rehab. Enjoy


 
  
  
 
Repeat as needed.